EXCERPT FROM OTHERHOOD: MODERN WOMEN FINDING A NEW KIND OF HAPPINESS BY MELANIE NOTKIN. WITH PERMISSION FROM SEAL PRESS, A MEMBER OF THE PERSEUS BOOKS GROUP. COPYRIGHT © 2014.
I need to get out of the city. Or, at least, get off this island. It’s common for the habitual Manhattanite to leave the city simply to come back and declare our undying, unconditional love for our home. We all know the truth: In order to know for sure we’re in the right place, we have to step away from it and look back at it more objectively.
I’m getting together with my friend, Andrea Syrtash—the popular relationship expert, television host, and author of several books on dating, marriage, and relationships—for a walk along the Brooklyn Heights Promenade, one of the most romantic spots in Brooklyn. The fresh perspective is making me think of love and about choice versus chance as Andrea and I look out toward Manhattan.
“Isn’t Manhattan just incredibly beautiful?” I ask rhetorically. “Look at all those stunning buildings filled with ambition and dreams, hard work and determination.” It’s a brisk, sunny September day, not a cloud in the sky, and Andrea and I take a pause before we continue. It’s difficult to look at the southern tip of Manhattan, even over a decade later, without remembering another brisk, sunny day and what we lost—who we lost. Seeing the city from this vantage point makes me realize how fortunate I am, perhaps even how selfish I am, to even debate choice versus chance.
A couple in their midthirties walks by us, arm in arm, as a group of women and men in their late twenties walks by from the other direction. A young mother stops a few feet away from us, holding her young daughter’s hand. Andrea sees me notice the little girl, her long wavy brown hair waving freely in the air as her mother zips up her red quilted jacket. My friend puts her hand on my back with a touch of compassion.
But it’s not the child I haven’t had that I am thinking about. I’m thinking of a friend who was killed on September 11th at age thirty-two, not yet married, not yet a mother. Some had said it was fortunate that she did not leave children and a husband behind to mourn her. But I was always saddened by the fact that she never had the opportunity to get married or experience motherhood. That fateful day still gives me perspective on life. While I may not be where I expected to be at this age, I got here, safe and sound. I smile appreciatively at Andrea, who can tell I’ve been elsewhere for a moment.
“It’s hard to believe that in all those buildings, in all those windows, under that big, bright sky, I haven’t found him yet,” I say.
“Melanie, I get it,” Andrea offers. “I speak to so many spectacular, educated, accomplished women who have trouble finding men they are interested in dating. And there is this huge misconception out there. Society, friends, siblings, even parents somehow pity these amazing women and think of them as those poor girls who can’t get a date, as if they have no choice but to be single.”
I shake my head in knowing frustration.
Andrea continues, “What these people don’t realize about a woman like this is that being single is a choice she’s made. It isn’t her choice to remain single. We all know she wants to be in love with the right man,” Andrea says. “But it’s the choice of these talented, attractive women to wait for that man to come into her life, or she into his. She isn’t single because no one has picked her yet. She isn’t waiting to be chosen.”
She isn’t waiting to be chosen. Andrea is right. The single women of the Otherhood know they are not Waiting for Godot. They are not waiting in vain for life to present itself to them with meaning. They choose. They choose to wait for the love they’re meant to have, the love that will add more meaning to their lives. Others may say a single woman in her midthirties, and certainly by her forties, has been looking too long, or that she has too many distractions like her career or her passions. And some may say that she is looking in vain for someone who does not exist and that her life will pass her by if she doesn’t choose to settle.
But the women of the Otherhood know they are preparing themselves, filling life with things that are meaningful, that give life purpose. They are actively choosing to live life to the fullest. Their true existence and meaning are not dependent on how or when they are united with love. They know that on their journey of self-actualization, they will come upon the love that we are meant to have. They believe that their future partner will recognize them because they are the love that he was meant to have. They will choose one another.
Andrea asks, “Do you remember that line in Jerry Maguire where Tom Cruise says to Dorothy, the Renée Zellweger character, ‘You complete me?’”
“Yes. Who doesn’t remember that line?” I say.
“Exactly. It’s been embedded in our culture. But it gives the wrong message, saying that we should look for partners who complete us as if we are not whole people to begin with.
“The single women you and I know are full women,” she continues. “Whatever it is—their careers, their nieces and nephews, their friends and family, their homes and hobbies, their travel and cultural interests—whatever it is that makes them feel fulfilled, these women are not half filled, waiting for someone to complete the other half.” Andrea pauses pensively for a moment, and then goes on: “And the reason why society looks at these fabulous women with pity, I think, is because they assume single women are unhappy and unfulfilled. But I have to tell you, the single women I speak with are very happy. Yes, of course most of them want a man in their life, but that’s icing on the cake for them. And we know that women who marry later are less likely to divorce, in part because they are so fulfilled before they enter marriage. It is because they are whole already.”
Andrea is giving me the outside perspective I was hoping for.
“Their choice is to wait for the right guy,” she confirms. “But on the flip side, they also have to make some proactive choices if finding love is indeed a priority.”
“Most of the women I speak to or have known for many years make finding love a priority,” I say, somewhat defensively. “I think people judge single women for not doing enough to meet a man because they mistakenly believe that if they were doing enough, they would have found him already.”
Andrea responds, “I don’t mean that single women should make finding love a full-time job. But it means making hard choices and saying no to things sometimes if they make it harder to find love.”
“Like what?” I ask.
“I know dating, even finding men you actually want to date, is hard. But sometimes I see women with negative attitudes about it. And that energy shows. So my advice would be to say no to being pessimistic about love. I hear women say that there are quote-unquote ‘no’ men out there. Or they say that it’s ‘impossible’ to meet someone. Those words are extreme. We know that’s not true. We have to believe it.”
I’m reminded of something my friend Sloane said to me about dating conversations she has had with her single girlfriends who are all in their midthirties. “I just had to pull myself out of the perpetual negativity,” she told me. “It was overwhelming for me to hear, ad nauseum. What is the ROI on negativity? Nothing. So I pulled myself out of it and just stopped getting together with them.”
“But let’s be honest,” I say to Andrea. “We can’t go out every night and be active in online dating and going to every singles event. It’s exhausting. Plus, we’ve been looking for love, some of us, for over twenty years. Like you said, we have so many other things in our lives. We can’t spend all of our time proactively looking for love. That just feels desperate. And to your point, we’re not desperate women waiting for life to begin once we’re finally in the right relationship. I know some women just take a break from all of it,” I add. “I did that when I was forty. For about six months I didn’t accept what seemed like a mismatched blind date or attend many social events just in case there might be a man to meet there. A married mom friend of mine kept reminding me of my biological clock, but I just couldn’t go on another going-nowhere kind of date for a while. I felt time was better spent recalibrating. I didn’t have the heart for another disappointment. I just didn’t.”
“I understand,” Andrea says.
“I’m not saying I didn’t go out at all or that I turned down a man I met if I thought he was interesting. It wasn’t an all-or-nothing kind of thing. I needed to step back so I could step forward. And after a few months of reenergizing myself, I was back in the game,” I add.
“Look, a healthy, happy life is a balanced life,” Andrea says. “And no one should be living in an extreme in any direction. Looking for love shouldn’t take up all your energy, but neither should it be the last thing on a woman’s list if she’s made love a priority. You’re right. People who think in terms of ‘all-or-nothing’ will end up with nothing. Extremes don’t work. When you are balanced, you will attract quality people into your life.”
“I’m not even sure it was a conscious choice that I made,” I add. “I just didn’t have the emotional energy for it. I didn’t have the heart to say yes to something I knew would just be disappointing. But that was two or three years ago. I honestly love dating now. Even the bad dates are fun in some way. I still don’t agree to dates with someone I don’t have an attraction to on any level, but if I’m set up with someone who is wonderful but I just don’t have a connection with him, I usually still have a great time. Taking that break reminded me why dating can be fun!”
Andrea is smiling.
“But what about the men?” I ask. “Do you find the single guys you speak with are looking for love, too?”
“Yes, I do,” Andrea says. She mentions a common friend who felt he had too many choices among the groups of women he met in New York City. He moved back home to Vancouver to take a step back and not be distracted by all the choices he had so that he could focus on finding love. “There are definitely endless options for men in New York City,” Andrea says. “But I find that when a circle of male friends begin to get engaged, a single man within that circle begins to think about settling down. Or, some just decide that they’ve had enough of dating and want to nest.”
I look toward my city again, at all the buildings, the windows, and the possibilities.
“It’s getting late. I should head back to the city,” I say. It’s time to go home.
Published: September 9, 2014
This Otherhood book excerpt is dedicated to my friend Nancy who lost her life in the brutal attack on America on September 11, 2001 when she was just 32 years old. May her memory continue to be a blessing. - Melanie Notkin