How Can I Save my Niece from Lack of Parenting?
I am at my wits end, and after talking with my sisters, its a shared family concern. I hoping that my fellow savvy aunties can give me some advice.
Niece Bella, age 3, definitely has issues. One of my dad's sisters has Down Syndrome, and within my immediate family there is also ADHD, OCD, Sensory Integration Dysfunction, anxiety and depression, among others. Our savvy aunt, along with my elementary school teacher sister and my pediatric secretary sister, have seen signs possible Autism concerns and Sensory issues since Bella's birth.
Along with the refusals to not cooperate with anything, Bella shuts down when things get loud, or there's too much stimulation. She can't stand certain textures; I have the Sensory issues so I can totally empathize with her on this.
The other problem in play is that my brother & sister-in-law are so passive as parents that there is no structure or guidance for Bella. For example, Bella frequently vanishes out of sight, and even though they are aware they don't know where she is, they don't go looking for her. When we're together as a family, neither parent does anything for Bella. Bella doesn't want to take a nap, so they don't put her down for one. She hasn't had a nap in about 18 months. They don't interact with her; its left to the rest of us to pick up the slack. Consequently, she walks all over them, and throws tantrums, falling on the floor, screaming, yelling, when she doesn't get what she wants. She doesn't play well with her cousins; she prefers to be alone all the time. When Rue Rue came to visit, I noticed how Bella doesn't even know how to play dolls - dress the dolls, feed them, etc. I don't want to compare the kids, but she's not doing normal 3 year old things that her cousins are doing.
This past weekend at church, Bella was discovered to be missing but they didn't go after her. I was busy with someone else and, hoping they would parent, I didn't do anything. It was a friend's husband who brought Bella back inside, where she'd made it nearly to the road.
To her credit, SIL asked for an eval for problems from the doc. The eval was yesterday, but it was only an intelligence part and naturally, Bella aced it. SIL is thrilled that Bella is "fine" and I seriously doubt that she'll do much more with it. SIL is now on several medications related to stress because she can't handle my niece; she calls her the "demon child." At least the doctor told her to stop Bella from watching TV; she will watch TV all day if allowed.
I also find it necessary to say that when Bella comes to my house, she is a model child. No tantrums, no whining, no fussing. She does what I ask her to... within reason. I expect a child to be disobedient and Bella is not the exception when she's alone with me, but its nothing like when she's with her parents.
My need for help is this: my mother, sisters, and I are ready to pounce and say something to the effect of "stand up and parent!" and "find a behavioral assessment". I am the closest to SIL and I don't want to attack her. My brother is the type of guy who will do the opposite of what you tell him to do, so I need a way to broach the subject without the entire family coming to blows. Bella needs some type of help and I can't handle it. I don't feel like I should handle it.
What can I do? How can I help without meddling?