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Hi Auntie Janice,

Sounds like you made a difference to her at a time when she really needed support. I have six nieces and nephews, the eldest is 12 now, and is just going through puberty at the moment and she is finding it quite difficult. Not just the physical changes, but the whole emotional upheaval and the friendship thing at school - so and so's not talking to me, so and so's gone off with so and so etc, and to be honest, I boost her self-esteem by listening to her and taking her seriously.

I think that as Aunties we have the freedom to listen without wanting to change or to interject at every moment, which is striking in a way, I can't think of any other relationship I have where I just listen - maybe I should reflect more on that! LOL - but I think listening, hearing what's being said, and what isn't and offering unconditional support is something that really makes a difference.

Aunty Boo

Let her teach you how to do something. For example, my 13-year-old niece and I have done beading together, and I can tell she gets a real boost when she explains a technique to me. I think the bonding of doing an activity together is validating for kids, too.

Wow, these replies really touch me! I have two nieces, 10 and 11, and I worry about the self-esteem thing constantly. From body image, to just being smart about things intellectually. I'm trying to think of things I do. Mostly try to talk about their interests. They don't really disparage themselves (thank god). ONe is into theater, and I think that helps her a lot with confidence. The other is pretty bossy and yet also very self-conscious physically. Her mom helped her with soccer, and tells me that helps with the body image a lot. I tend to talk to her a lot about fashion, and the rules or lessons I've learned (we both knit/sew), in a way helping her see her body as something fun to work with instead of not conforming to some random ideal. But I have a feeling there's a lot coming in the future. I told her for Halloween, if she drew a picture of her costume, I'd sew it- she ended up putting it together with her mom and really had a good time with it. I let her give me advice all the time on outfits and costumes, she has a real flair. From the comments here, I can see that all of us taking time and interest -seriously, not patronizingly- in these young women, must be the way to deal with the issue!

I know I had a lot of self-esteem issues as a teen, despite coming from an incredibly loving, supportive family. Sometimes, for teenage girls especially, I think it's hard not to compare yourself with everyone else around you and only focus on your faults.

How wonderful that you wrote that letter to her. I am sure it helped her immensely, and she will treasure it long after she gets out of her teens and starts to feel more comfortable in her own skin. What a fabulous Aunt you are!!

Auntie Janie