By Wendy Lynne, mentaltoughnesstrainer.com
 
Wendy Lynne is the Director of Mental Toughness Academy. The Academy’s online Mental Toughness Training helps kids build confidence, focus, determination, and the ability to bounce back from adversity—what they call Mental Toughness. Go here to get the free eBook, The 10 Commandments to Being a Great Sports Parent, and a free training for youth athletes in training, “Master the Pressure.”
 
Playing sports can be a tremendous experience for kids. I hope when you think back to when you played sports as a kid, you have wonderful memories of having fun and learning new skills.
 
Playing their sport, kids can get very emotional based on whether they win or lose a game or match. Unfortunately, many well-intentioned people say the wrong thing at the wrong time.
 
This is where a supportive aunt can step in and be a great sounding board for a niece or nephew.
 
It is important to remember that after a game, it is a critical time when they are still recovering from the intensity of the game. They can be elated, upset, indifferent, or angry. Their emotions will run the gamut just like yours does.
 
Knowing what to say and how to say it will help you form a loving bond with your niece or nephew and maybe provide an important model for their parents.
 
Here are seven tips for communicating in a positive manner with your niece or nephew, following a tough loss or an exciting win:
 
1. Be a positive source of support and encouragement.
Save any evaluation for the coaches, and just be an unconditional source of support.
 
2. Be an attentive listener.
First step, ask your niece or nephew if they want to talk about the game or something else or nothing at all. They will tell you the truth and wish adults would ask that question. We all love to share our experiences, so allow them to talk about the game. Listen to them, understand first, and then reply. Try not to get into the details of the game if they are still dealing with the emotions. They may just need time to get over it.

3. Avoid undermining the coaches, even if you think they were out to lunch.
They are the leaders of the team. Second-guessing the coaches will confuse them, and you may ultimately undermine the team chemistry and hurt their relationship with the coach.

4. Following tough losses or poor performances, remind your niece or nephew that their worth as a person is not related to their abilities as an athlete.
Help them recognize that tomorrow is a new day and that with hard work they can overcome anything that is keeping them from their goals. Tell them in your own way that you believe in them!

5. Find specifics to tell them what they did well, but be honest and sincere.
You can get yourself into trouble by saying “good game” or “you did your best” if your nephew does not think this is true. You may get a sneer or sarcastic remark back. Be supportive in your comments, but do not lie or exaggerate. Kids tend to focus on their mistakes and screw-ups. Just help them start to focus on what they did correctly.

6. Stick to your plans no matter the outcome of the game.
If you planned to go to lunch after a win or have a phone chat, do the same after a loss. Otherwise, the child might relate your willingness to do activities after the game with their winning and losing.

7. Avoid comparing the child to other children after the game—even as it relates to training methods or skills.
It can create hurt feelings and pressure. Ultimately, you want to have a plan of attack in your mind for post-game. Get your emotions under control and check your body language. Remind yourself of what matters, so you can share that naturally with them—being a good sport and giving your best effort. Giving them a hug or a pat on the back and riding out the emotions until they subside goes a long way!

Published: January 8, 2013