By Jill Emanuele PhD
Clinical Psychologist, Anxiety and Mood Disorders Center
Child Mind Institute

About two years ago, an explosion of underwear appeared on the floor of my sister’s living room, with my then 5 year-old niece, Gabby, proudly looking up at me.  My sister, noticing the laundry bedlam, and having already picked up several other explosions that day (and many other days), inquired indignantly, “What are you doing?” As if it were perfectly obvious, Gabby declared, “My Lalaloopsy dolls are having a slumber party!” We both inspected the situation more carefully, and sure enough, the tiny dolls were snuggled peacefully in my niece’s clothing.  I looked at my sister and said, “I’ve never had an inkling to use underwear that way.  Look at how creative she is.”  My sister’s face softened as she recognized her daughter’s innovative potential and encouraged Gabby to continue on with her play.

Every March, we celebrate National Women’s History Month, with this year’s theme honoring women who have gone “against social convention and often legal restraints…(and) have created a legacy that expands the frontiers of possibility for generations to come.”  I often worry that as my niece grows older, she will lose sight of that creative voice, her confidence, and the ability to take risks that make her who she is at her core.  In modern society, our girls still face the struggle each day to retain their unique voice amongst a plethora of pressures and expectations including physical beauty, comparisons with boys, fitting in with peer groups, navigating bullying, and achieving to their full potential.  We often see their self-esteem and self-worth plummet, particularly regarding their bodies, as they struggle to navigate these pressures.  Subsequently, as girls mature into their tween and teenage years, they are significantly more likely than boys to develop certain mental health disorders including anxiety, depression, and eating disorders.

Thinking about the women being honored this month made me wonder what we can do as aunts to empower our nieces to take risks, to push the boundaries, and to contribute like our foremothers did. How do we embolden them to become stronger, more confident, and allow their creativity to blossom? What can we do to ensure they see underwear as not just underwear?  

*Walk the walk – Aunts are well placed in a girl’s life to serve as role models – to demonstrate strength, self-confidence, and generosity.  Behavioral modeling is a powerful social learning tool that allows our nieces to directly witness and emulate the self-loving and prosocial behaviors we practice in our own lives.  From the adult female figures in their world, girls can learn a multitude of life skills including effective communication, self-care in terms of physical and spiritual practices, leadership, managing emotions and stress, and engaging in mutual friendship and meaningful romantic relationships.  The full list of positive behaviors to model goes well beyond my word limit.  So in essence, be the type of person you’d like her to be.  

*Praise positive behaviors and expression of emotions  – Another powerful behavior tool to use with our girls is positive praise.  When you see them doing a behavior that you’d like to see again, comment on it immediately and name the behavior.  For example, “I’m proud of you for being respectful to your sister” or “I like the way you just gave yourself a compliment.”  You can also validate emotions – “I’m so glad you expressed that you are angry.  It’s ok to feel angry.  Let’s see how you can deal with your anger.”  

*Practice active listening – Kids are eager to talk to someone and get help with someone who is really listening to them.  Active listening is a communication skill in which you make a complete effort to listen non-judgmentally and, more importantly, to understand the complete message that the person is trying to communicate.  Using this skill involves demonstrating full attention (through body language and eye contact), waiting until the person is finished speaking before you talk, repeating back the message to the person, and then offering feedback or advice if asked for.  And remember to praise efforts at communicating with you.

*Promote acceptance and appreciation of her physical self – Encourage your niece to develop her own unique personal style that makes her feel comfortable and proud.  Talk openly about the pressures and stress that girls face with regard to their physical appearance and how you have coped with them effectively.  

*Inspire creativity – Work with your nieces on the creative project of their choice.  Encourage participation in the arts.  Take them to cultural places and events like the museum, art shows, the park, or a musical/play.

*Encourage leadership opportunities – Foster their participation in activities in which they can learn leadership skills - school government, extracurricular activities, sports, and volunteering, to name a few.  

Photo: Arkansas ShutterBug via Flickr cc
Published: March 5, 2014