First time Savvy Auntie and writer, Cynthia Kane, talks about how things change between sisters when the baby is born.

The last time I fought with my sister, like screaming, yelling, push her down and dig my fingernails into her arms kind of fight was middle and high school. I would do things like shut her bedroom door and coat the doorknob with Vaseline to annoy her, or spy on her from the living room window, flickering the lights while she kissed her date goodbye. But then, after the long battles, all of a sudden, things changed. College came along and we both grew up – I no longer screamed at her for borrowing my favorite tie-dye t-shirt, and she no longer yelled at me for not brushing my hair. It was like our younger relationship full of hurtful vocabulary, and whining angst, had morphed into, well, the complete opposite.

Once out of college we became best friends, never argued Mike Tyson style, and we always were able to help each other when needed. We had learned over the years how to press each other’s buttons but also how to alleviate them. Then soon after our sister-bestfriendship began, my sister got married. Though I was no longer her first go-to-person, we were still close and I could still anticipate her needs, support her when down, and knew when she wanted to vent, cry, or be left alone. Then something changed; my sister had a baby.

I should mention here that I’m not married, nor I have ever been pregnant. You could say that my sister and I lead very different lives. She lives with her husband in a house and now she has a baby. I live between New York and Madrid and I’m single. So when my sister had baby Margo I didn’t know if things would change between us, but something did.

I became an aunt.

After the baby was born I remember being at my sister’s house with her sister-in-law who has two kids. I sat on the sofa and watched as they talked about babies and pregnancy, and stood in the kitchen watching her sister-in-law hand out helpful tips as she lulled the baby to sleep. At this time I realized I truly and absolutely had no idea what my sister went through when pregnant, or was going through now. Sure I tried to be there for my sister while she was pregnant, listening to her talk about regular heartburn and irregular bowl movements, swelling, exhaustion, e.t.c, but since I’d never been through it, how could I really know what she needed from me. Luckily, during the pregnancy, my sister was very open and communicative with me, which made it easier, but again, things changed.

As I mentioned earlier, the back-and-forth bickering between my sister and I had disappeared, or maybe it had been lying dormant and just needed one thing to ignite the flame. But soon after the baby was born the fighting was back, and bigger than before. Now we weren’t arguing over the car, curfews, or clothes, but we were quarreling because we no longer knew how to be there for the other person. Experts have said that in this kind of relationship there needs to be empathy, I think this goes for all relationships; however, it’s hard when all you want to do is help and a) you don’t know how and b) when you do it’s not the right way. Some people might say, well talk it out, but what if you can’t? A lot of times my sister will get upset because she thinks I should be able to anticipate her needs, and at one point in our relationship I could have, but this situation is completely foreign to me. When I tell her I can’t read her mind then communication shuts down, walls come up, and the talking turns to yelling.

Things are different now.

So what’s the solution? Before when we were younger the sting of a fight would go away, but now it’s not so easy to just let things go. Because the mommy/aunt relationship will continue for the rest of our lives, if we don’t figure it out now, well, don’t take me as negative town, but it’s doomed. I think the biggest thing to note here is that the first couple months of the baby being out in the world is the hardest, not only on the mommy but also for the aunt. It’s difficult because you, as the aunt, have to be the one to understand things first. Why? Because your sister isn’t in a place to cope with anything other than being a first time mom. Her thoughts are baby and your thoughts are sister/baby.

To solve the fighting problem, experts say there are two key players in creating a happy, healthy, mother/aunt relationship: open communication and empathy. Do I agree? Yes. But does it come immediately and as easy as it sounds? No.

Communication and empathy.

To avoid a collision crash between a first time mother and a single sister it’s true the portals of communication need to be open. But know that just because the term open communication sounds like you should be sitting for lunch having a dialogue about this, that, e.t.c, doesn’t mean that’s going to be how things start. In the first few months after the birth I would say there’s more open disagreeing, arguing, venting, and yelling with your sister than there is talking. But don’t worry this doesn’t mean it will never happen. After your sister has been a mommy for more than four months, you’ll likely reach the summit and talking will prevail.

The same rings true for establishing an empathetic relationship, it might not happen for a couple months.  Know that you’ll be more understanding of your sister in the first months than she’ll be of you. In the beginning your sister will most likely be in her own world, and not able to think about what’s happening in your life, this isn’t because she doesn’t care, it’s because she’s exhausted and doesn’t have the energy. Your sister, especially if she’s a first time mom, has no idea what she’s doing. Once she has a clue that the diaper goes this way, she can feed the baby whenever, and she doesn’t have to do everything the way the books tell her, she’ll be able to accept more into her brain besides, baby, baby, baby. Once she’s more comfortable as a mommy, forming a more empathetic relationship with you will be easier. Afterall, how can you truly understand someone else if you’re just becoming familiar with a new you.