By The Other Mother

Ah, Mother's Day. The lovely Sunday in May when floral scents rule the air, mimosa consumption is at an all-time high, the mani/pedi business is booming and dads and kids flock to buy their last-minute cards at the local drugstore.

Of course mothers deserve all of the recognition in the world. They carry and give birth to a child or children (ouch), they raise them and have the pleasure of life-long worry. So what about women, who aside from giving birth to kids, do all of the above? Let’s take stepmothers for instance. What do these women deserve on Mother’s Day? It is a hard question, even for stepmothers to answer. As one for nine years, in the beginning, Mother’s Day would weigh on me a bit and the ambiguity of my role on that day was rather hard to get used to.   

Let’s start with the fact that if Mother’s Day were a parade, the "Mom who gave birth to you" would be the Grand Marshall and stepmothers if even invited, might be with the high school marching band. Every industry participating in Mother’s Day commercially reminds you that mom is first chair and everyone else is second fiddle. Even some family members and closest friends of mine forget to wish me a “Happy Mother’s Day”, despite the fact that I live with my two 15-year-old stepchildren full-time and have been a driving force in raising them for 2/3 of their lives. When folks realize they have passed me over, they get this strange expression on their faces and then try to explain why they forgot. It is as awkward as telling someone they look like they lost a ton of weight and they respond with, “Oh, so I must have been really fat before?” Best to stop talking at that point.

Maybe some people don’t know this, but kids are ordered by the court to spend Mother's Day with their mom exclusively.  This is totally understandable, but it sends a message to the children that Mother’s Day is reserved for their mom and only her. Building traditions around the holiday with my kids is not really possible because there are some years, if the holiday falls on their mom’s weekend that I don’t get to see them at all on Mother’s Day.



And then there is the fact that because kids are kids and tend to forget any holiday that isn’t about them, many stepmoms must remind and encourage their stepchildren to make or buy cards or gifts for their mom to honor her, no matter if she is deserving or undeserving. That part is especially brutal when the mom is not so nice to you.  I equate it to how the first-runner-up at Miss America must feel. You have to be happy for the winner, even if backstage she hid your heels and silicone inserts for the swimsuit competition.  It seems silly and needy, but if you raise kids like a mother would and should and dedicate your heart to children, even if it is part-time, a piece of you wants to be recognized too.

What I've realized after trying to sort out what I should expect on this day, is that your perspective regarding what you “deserve” or how stepmothers should be treated does not matter. Other people’s recognition of your maternal contributions does not matter. It is the kids that will let you know by their actions how much you mean to them and how you fit into their Mother’s Day. You don't determine how to be recognized; they determine how to recognize you. It is different for everyone and it is very personal.  

I consider myself among the lucky stepmoms whose stepchildren do make an effort. My kids, despite me trying to do my best balancing act, telling them not to worry about doing anything for me and to focus on their mom, have been enthusiastic from the start about recognizing me in some fashion. As the kids have gotten older, I notice the cards have become more serious and sentimental with each year. They also will buy “Mom” cards and write “Step” in front of wherever it says “Mom” in the card. They have told me that literally can’t find stepmother cards or the "you are like a mom to me" cards just don’t say what they want to say. (And a special shout out to all card companies for your lack of effort in the stepmom card department. I just took in two stores yesterday and there was not one. But, that’s another talk show.)

If you asked me during the first few years of being with the kids what Mother’s Day would look like for me today, I could have only hoped for today’s reality.  Last year, my husband and I were traveling on Mother’s Day and I could not see them at all, but they would not let the day go by without celebrating me.  My son left my favorite cupcake and a sweet note in the fridge that I discovered when I returned home and I received an email from my daughter on Mother’s Day morning.  Below are her words from that day. I will never forget both of their sentiments and gestures.  They forever removed any doubt in my mind about the important place I occupy in their Mother’s Day.

Happy Mother's Day!

When most people think of a mother they think of a women who carries a baby in their womb for 9 months. But in my opinion, they're wrong. When I think of a mother I think of someone who helps you grow up, is there when they need you, and has a big impact in your life. For me you are all those things. You are there when I need you, you have helped me grow up, and YOU have made the biggest impact in my life. People don't understand our relationship. They think that since we don't share the same blood that we are not related, but they don't see that it doesn't matter if you share the same blood or not, what matters is the connection we have with our hearts. This probably sounds really cheesy but it's all true. YOU are a great maternal figure in my life. Doesn't matter that you didn't give birth to me. So this mothers day you deserve a hundred cards because you are a mother. And you aren't just a mother you are MY mother and I am honored to call you that. Thank you for everything that you do.

Happy Mother's Day. You deserve it.
Love,
Your daughter

So for stepmoms out there walking on eggshells trying to determine how to behave or the right things to do or not do on Mother’s Day, the advice is, don't. The kids will handle it for you and what you get out of it will be from their hearts; not Hallmark’s, not their dad’s, but theirs and you will know for sure when they say anything, that they really mean it.




The other mother is a thirty-something marketing executive from New York City with a no-nonsense attitude to life and to parenting. She is a proud stepmother to twin 14-year-olds and believes that stepmothers can be more than the definition, but they have to be all-in.
Connect: @othermotherblog and at theothermother.squarespace.com