My Story: A Letter to My Unborn Child
By Mary Ellen Hardies Smalley
I haven’t met you yet, I might never meet you, but you are loved. You aren’t yet a twinkle in my eye, but you are a thought in my mind.
You aren’t a you yet. Right now, you are a question mark. I know you would be wanted, you would have two parents who would do anything for you and you would have a safe and welcoming family who would always be there.
But you are a question for so many reasons. Can I give you the life you deserve? Am I ready for my whole life to change? Would you be healthy? Would you have autism? It’s a big IF, but it’s something I think about all the time. Your half brothers both have autism and while they couldn’t be loved more, it’s a challenge that can’t come in threes. They are amazing little boys who accomplish great things and overcome obstacles that other children don’t have. Everything they have learned, they have been taught by the people in their lives who love them. You would have that same love, but I don’t wish for you to have the same challenges.
Will I ever see what color eyes you have? Snuggle with you after a bath and take in that baby fresh scent? Run into your room in the middle of the night because you are hungry or take you for walks in a stroller to start introducing you to the world? I don’t know.
The story is supposed to go like this: you meet someone, fall in love, get married and decide if you want to have children or not. I would not choose another life, I’m so in love with your father and I never thought I wanted to be a mom. But then I met someone who made me think I might make a good one, someone who would be my teammate and someone who I already know is a great father.
I already have so much to be thankful for. I have a family who loves me, a supportive husband and a job that I love. You would be a bonus addition that would change our lives forever. I don’t know what God’s plan is for me, for you, for our family. I leave it in his hands. If you arrive one day, I will welcome you with loving arms and you will always have a home.
You are a part of my life that I don’t know will happen. You are a part of my life that some days I desperately want and other days I fear more than anything. You could be the greatest experience of my life and the greatest challenge.
But, if you remain just an image in my head that never comes to be, you will still be loved.
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Mary Ellen Hardies Smalley is a news producer turned director of marketing. She has four amazing nieces, two wonderful stepsons and a supportive husband of just over a year. When she's not working or with one of the many children in her life, you can find her running. She spends her days telling other people's stories, but sometimes likes to share her own. You can find her on Facebook and Twitter.
Photo: elwynn
Published: November 4, 2015