What to Do and Say if a Niece or Nephew Comes Out to You
Written By Savvy Auntie Staff Writers
By Katelyn Fry
Society has come quite a long way in terms of diversity and acceptance of the LGBT community. We have a growing number of gay/transgender celebrities, LGBT themes in movies and television, and in 2015, same-sex marriage was finally made legal in the U.S.
But while the western world may slowly be opening minds and hearts to homosexuality, on a smaller scale, those exploring this side of themselves may not be having the easiest time accepting it. Talking from experience, I know that they’re not.
What if one day, you come to learn that your own niece or nephew is facing this challenge in one way or another? Maybe they simply can’t hold their secret in any longer. Perhaps they’ve taken interest in one specific person of the same gender, but are still attracted to the opposite. Maybe they had an experience with someone that they hadn't expected and they don’t know what to make of it. Maybe they’re struggling to either avoid a label or find one. Or, in a more fortunate scenario, maybe they have already accepted this part of their identity and have come to you for help in sharing it with the rest of the people in their life. The spectrum of challenges they could be facing is limitless.
For some of you, your niece’s or nephew’s confession may come as a shock. For others, it may have been expected. Whatever the case, there are a few things to help you make this conversation as easy and comforting as possible for them, as well as help encourage them on their journey of embracing who they truly are.
Let It Sink In
A variety of thoughts may be racing across your mind at the moment they share the news. Try to encourage them slow down and settle in before speaking too quickly. As much as you may be dying to ask questions or be overwhelmed with emotion, your niece or nephew has been dying even more to get this off their chest. It’s their moment – not yours.
Put Yourself In Their Shoes
Your niece or nephew is a young adult. Most likely at an age where what their peers think of them is very important to them. It's also an age when they may already be struggling to form their identity in plenty of other ways.
They may be afraid of not being accepted for who they are, confused by their feelings and unwilling to embrace them, and there is a good chance they have been burdened by this secret for quite some time. Take a moment to reflect on what it was like to be their age and all of the hormonal internal struggles that came with it. Now multiply that by ten. That is where your niece or nephew is.
Ask Questions
Once they have said what they came to you to share, and you’ve had a moment to gather your thoughts, it's okay to begin asking questions. This part of the conversation is great for both of you; you're getting answers that will help you better understand where they’re coming from. Plus, they are finally getting the chance to be honest about their thoughts, feelings and experiences. Your questions will help inspire that.
Tell Them It’s Okay
Literally. That is all they want to hear – to be reassured that they will still be loved and still be viewed as the same person. They need to hear that this part of their life does not determine who they are or who they will be. It is simply one characteristic out of a million that makes them the amazing and unique individual you know and love.
Keep it Between You Two
Perhaps your niece or nephew has already told their parents and decided it was time to tell you. Or, they may not be ready take that step with mom and dad and have turned to you, their ConfidAunt to come out for the first time. Talking from experience, you have no idea the amount of weight you just lifted off of them by allowing them to finally have this conversation for the first time.
They are no longer hiding one of the biggest and hardest secrets a person can keep. At least, not alone, they aren’t. You just freed them in a way words could never accurately convey. They trusted you with this information, and it is up to you to prove they made the right decision.
It may not be easy keeping any kind of secret from your sibling, but this is a fair exception. Coming out is one of the most monumental moments in a gay person’s life, and it shouldn’t come from anyone but them. Reassure your niece or nephew that their secret is safe with you, and when the day comes that they feel ready to tell the rest of the family, you will be right there by their side.
Help Them Embrace It
The hard part is over. They’ve finally made their long-awaited confession – at least, the very first one of many. Where do they go from here?
In some cases, you may very well be the only person they share this secret with for a little while, and therefore, their only source of relief and companionship on the subject. Be as supportive as you can possibly be.
Maybe their sense of style is slowly changing as they become more comfortable with themselves. Take them shopping and let them experiment with their wardrobe.
Perhaps you have a gay friend in your life. Have the three of you grab a bite to eat one night and let them swap their coming-out stories. You'll be giving your niece or nephew someone to relate to who’s been through this before.
Keep yourself in the loop. Between your visits together, keep in touch and ask questions. Are they seeing anyone? Interested in anyone? Feeling any more confident? Have they come out to anyone else? The more you reach out and allow them to be open and discuss the subject, the quicker they will be to accept themselves, as well as give the other people in their life the chance to accept them too.
Editor's Note: You many not realize how much you'll be appreciated for this conversation as it's happening, and for the rest of your niece's or nephew's life. Read this beautiful letter from a gay man named Ezra who came out to his aunt. He wrote this letter for aunts who may one day, or already have had the experience of a niece or nephew coming out to them. We published it in 2010 during Pride Month.
Photo: biglike
Published: January 11, 2017