“I don’t know how we are going to get through Christmas without my Daddy.” This is what 10-year-old Emily said to me, tears in her eyes, on a routine bereavement visit to her home following the death of her father.  

The lump in my throat hurt, my heavy-hearted sigh was audible.

No easy answers

I came with no magic wand, no easy answers.  Only thoughts to share how they might navigate what would probably be a painful time of the year and suggestions to deal with the empty seat at their holiday table.   “How would you like to do things this year?” I asked after an appropriate period of silence.  

With benevolent intentions, adults in my practice often say, “I don’t want to bring up that (loved one) will be missing this year because I don’t want to upset the kids.” Lauding their loving intent, my response is always the same. “Trust me; the loss is apparent whether or not the subject is raised.”  

Forgotten grievers

Helen Harris, a professor at Baylor School of Social Work says children are often forgotten grievers. "They are expected to play and go to school while the adults grieve. Yet children need to be allowed to grieve themselves.”  

When children are left out these discussions, they feel marginalized, puzzled and plagued by a sense the person who passed away has been forgotten. Absent of the necessary context in which to process their grief. Case in point: The episode on the uber popular TV show Mad Men when Sally Draper’s beloved grandfather died. As a direct consequence of the moratorium put on any further discussion of her grandfather’s death at home, Sally struggled in school. While it is a natural inclination not to “trouble” the kids, the better approach is to the contrary.   Give them a voice in the regrouping process.  

What to do

In a democratic spirit, sit down as a family and discuss how each member would like to get through the holidays. Planning ahead takes the pressure off and slays the proverbial elephant in the living room. The energy otherwise spent tripping over him frees up the emotional real estate family members need to be present to one another.  What's more, this helps restore a sense of control to children, who following the death of a loved one, often feel very much out of control.

Good news!

The encouraging news is most people do find the actual holidays themselves, (Thanksgiving, Hanukkah, Christmas) not as difficult as they expected.  In my years doing this work, routinely I hear families say, “The anticipation of the holiday was more difficult than the day itself. “  In those cases, having a plan is the common denominator.    

Hope and comfort

When Emily was ready to talk, I shared with her stories of how other families successfully found their way during this time of year, which offered her hope and comfort.  Her Mom and I sat later that evening and I made the following suggestions as she plotted a course for the months of November and December:

 - Make room for differing opinions, ideas and feelings.  Grief affects everyone differently and there is no right or wrong way to memorialize our loved ones.

- Upfront, acknowledge it might be a hard conversation to have. But emphasize the purpose is to provide everyone with an opportunity to share their thoughts and feelings. Create an atmosphere where all ages will feel counted.

- Table the conversation for a later time if at first a consensus is not reached.  Sleeping on it can be very helpful in gaining perspective.

- In the end, understand everyone might not agree.  It is ok for some to decide on one option while others decide to do something differently. 

In my next column I’ll share what Emily and her family decided to do that first year along with specific ideas your family might want to consider if there will be an empty chair at your holiday table.

Photo: Julia Lototskaya

Updated and published: December 7, 2017
Originally published: November, 9, 2009