By Lennon Flowers, with Ashoka and Start Empathy
 
As our lives get busier and busier, chock full of practices and lengthy homework assignments, long workdays and travel schedules, the family meal has taken on added importance: one of a dwindling number of opportunities to convene as a family without distractions, a chance for kids to hear and to be heard. For aunts and uncles living miles, and often hundreds of miles, away, the rare gathering of the extended brood makes the family meal an altogether precious resource.
 
But have you ever wondered how to make the most of that time together? We've all been there: the dinners that devolve into sullen silence or separate conversations among adults and kids, as our feeble attempts to ask "How was your day?" elicit only monosyllabic responses: "Fine," "Good," or that ever-descriptive, "Eh."
 
To spark a more meaningful conversation around the table, we're taking a cue from Mr. Kanamori, a 4th grade teacher in Japan, whose classroom was featured in the extraordinary documentary series, Children Full of Life. Each day, students write what they call "notebook letters" to their classmates. The letters capture whatever is on their mind: what's happening at home and in their lives, and their thoughts and feelings about those events. After they're done writing, three students read their letters aloud to the class.
 
In the opening clip in the series, we see one student relay the story of losing his grandmother, just days after her funeral. The story prompts a discussion among the students about times in which they, too, have experienced loss and the accompanying feelings of sadness and isolation. Mifuyu, a young girl in the class, opens up for the first time about losing her father, and with the gentle help of Mr. Kanamori is made to feel safe, as the emotions she'd held inside suddenly break free. What follows is a powerful and moving conversation about death, in which the students demonstrate a level of poise and depth that few adults can muster when broaching the subject.


 
What does this have to do with the dinner table? Try creating a new family ritual out of the daily routine in Mr. Kanamori's class. Have everyone in the family write a letter to the other members of the family, sharing a recent experience, their hopes or frustrations, or anything that's on their minds. The next time you and your nieces and nephews sit down for a meal, kick off the exercise by sharing your own letter first, modeling the tone and intimacy. Don't be afraid to be vulnerable: as Mr. Kanamori's class proves, exposing our own vulnerabilities invites others to share their own. The letter format should make the exercise appealing even to kids who aren’t naturally inclined to writing or journaling; feel free to let the kids use any medium they want to tell their stories: drawings, collages, cartoons, or even video.
 
"Empathy," explains Mr. Kanamori in an interview, "is the greatest thing": a means of inviting people to "live in your heart." Expressing feelings is also critical to children's ability to regulate their emotions, and to fostering resilience and the kinds of relationship skills they need in and out of the home.
 
Test this out the next time you're sitting down for a meal together, and see what happens when you try to fill more than bellies.

Photo: Courtesy of Children Full of Life
Published: March 26, 2013