“Scratch marks on the earth”

During my days working for hospice, I remember sitting in the quiet of an early spring evening with a young father of three whose wife only a few weeks prior lost her courageous battle with leukemia.  In the glow of just a few table lamps, the children finally tucked into bed, we sat together in their family room.  It felt like sacred space as I listened to him share his worries for his kids and offered guidance on how best to support the children, only 5, 11 and 12 years old.  Their mother, only a few months earlier, knowing she was facing a terminal illness, declared war on her condition and said, “If God takes me from my children, there will be scratch marks on the earth!”  It was a terrible loss for this family.

Quick recap

Children generally worry about the following three big issues when a loved one is diagnosed with a terminal illness and dies or if a parent suddenly passes away:

1. The belief that the death was their fault-otherwise referred to as magical thinking-the irrational belief that the death of a loved one was the direct result of something they did or said.

2. The disease is contagious (whatever it is…cancer, heart attack, stroke, etc.).

3. Whose going to take care of them if both parents/or guardians die?

The last two columns I tackled one and two, this week, brings me to number three.    

“Who’s going to take care of me?”

This question, the last of the three “biggies” is one we addressed at length that cool, spring evening with the children gathered around our feet in the family room.   It led to a lively debate and created a safe space for the children to speak openly about their feelings and unburden themselves.  They felt included and recognized and together, with their Dad, came up with a plan they all felt comfortable with, in the unlikely event their father would die too, while they were still minors. As you aunties might imagine-it was the favorite aunt who was designated their guardian.  

No doubt, and understandably so, one of the biggest worries Michael Jackson’s children had upon hearing the devastating news that their father passed away, was who was going to take care of them.   When a parent is diagnosed with a terminal illness or dies suddenly, this question typically plagues children with worry and anxiety.  Unfortunately, often children are kept out of the loop of this discussion and decision making process, which breeds more anxiety and even greater worry. Savvy Aunties, if your minor nieces or nephews have suffered the tragic loss of a parent, I encourage you to talk to the surviving parent and suggest they sit down with their children to discuss this difficult issue.

A difficult but necessary discussion

Over the years, as a grief and loss counselor I always advise families to sit down with their children and engage the kids in the decision making process regarding to whom they would go in the very unlikely event the surviving parent dies too.  Having this discussion accomplishes a few things:

•    Elevates the worry and anxiety the children harbor

•    Restores a sense of control in a situation that most often leaves them feeling very much out of control

•    Restores a sense of safety and predictability

Of course no one ever wants to have this painful discussion.  The untimely death of a parent brings with it a multitude of concerns. But often children are forgotten mourners because their reactions to grief are vastly different from those of adults and therefore go unrecognized.  (For additional info on children’s grief and loss visit The Dougy Center, it’s one of my favorite resources).    

Next time I’ll address the specifics of how young children grieve so aunties will be better equipped to spot when their loving nieces or nephews are having a hard time and will be armed with information on how best to support them.

Hugs and kisses til next time.
xo