Recently, Savvy Auntie received a heartfelt plea from an aunt who is grieving the loss of a baby nephew.  He died only two days after his birth, leaving behind his surviving twin brother.  

The dear Auntie of this baby boy has been struggling to find a place of support, having been turned away because she is “just an aunt.”

As a woman who is “just an aunt” and an identical twin, my heart ached when I heard this.  Imagining a world without my twin sister is inconceivable. As a close friend and colleague whose twin sister died shortly after birth once said to me, “I’ve always felt like a part of me is missing.” That’s because it is.  But beyond that, the term disenfranchised grief came immediately to mind when I read this grieving auntie’s note.    

Disenfranchised Grief

Disenfranchised grief is defined as grief that often goes unacknowledged. In a recent article in Counseling Today, Howard Winokuer, president of The Association of Death Education and Counseling and Director of the Winokeur Center for Counseling and Healing in Charlotte, NC said, "Grief is the end result of any loss, and loss is so broad."

Often those who experience disenfranchised grief have a very real sense that their feelings go invalidated.  Undoubtedly this is what this auntie is experiencing.  As a society, we’ve developed a mythical pecking order of grief that is not inclusive and mistakenly dictates what types of losses warrant support and even more grossly sets erroneous time frames around how long support should be necessary if at all, as in this case.  

Legitimate Loss

Keren M. Humphrey, a retired counseling professor and author of Counseling Strategies for Loss and Grief echoes Howard Winokuer's sentiments. She says that all losses are legitimate.  As I am certain Ms. Humphrey would agree, I would go beyond that and say all those who experience a sense of loss should be supported, with any hint of judgment suspended.  

In my practice, it is not uncommon for me to cross paths with people who are experiencing emotional turmoil and pain associated when a loss they feel goes unacknowledged or is considered by many to be illegitimate.  Grief is hard enough without the accompanying feeling of being invalidated. My credo is this: a loss is a loss is a loss. NO ONE else has to understand it or “get it” in order for feelings of grief to be “legitimate.” Russell Friedman, executive director of the Grief Recovery Institute, agrees and defines grief as "conflicting feeling caused by a change or an end in a familiar pattern or behavior." Amen.

Permission Slips

Aunties, like me, you adore your nieces and nephews and any loss related to their little lives at any point is real and warrants support if you feel you could benefit from it.  If you are experiencing a sense of sadness, emptiness or as in this case are mourning the loss of what could have been, that's OK! You don't need to legitimize it or gather permission slips from friends, colleagues or neighbors. You heard it here.

Having said that, what this auntie struggled with in particular was not only the sense of feeling invalidated but in finding a place of support.  This both saddened and concerned me. Indeed this indicates how off-kilter our barometer of understanding is in regard to loss. No one is ever “just” anything. 

My hope is that perhaps she hadn’t quite hit on the right place yet.
 
Where can you find support?

Should you find yourself in the unfortunate place of needing help, I encourage to you contact local hospices, the social work department at your local hospital or organizations like The Association for Death Education and Counseling or The American Counseling Association , both of which can help you locate therapists or grief centers who by all rights should open their arms wide and say, “Come on in!”

I am sure I speak for the entire community here at Savvy Auntie when I say, “We are truly sorry for your loss, Auntie, and we collectively hug you as you grieve the loss of your baby nephew.”

Hugs and kisses ‘til next time.