They say a dog is man’s best friend. This Auntie couldn’t agree more. I have two of them myself.  Their wagging tails and incessant need to snuggle make our joy filled moments more joyful and our darkest moments tolerable.

In the months following my mother’s death, I struggled with the loss of an assumptive world.  Hope Edelman in her book, "Motherless Daughters" says, “Mother represents comfort and security no matter what our age.”

My sense of safety shattered the moment I watched my mother draw her last breath.  After the flower deliveries slowed up and the phone grew silent, teary meltdowns punctuated my list of things to do. Left nursing a sense of profound abandonment, I labored to discover how to live in a world without the woman who kissed my skinned knees and got me here in the first place.

In the throes of mourning I hardly knew what I needed and despite the well-intentioned efforts of family and friends, more often than not, they didn’t know the right thing to say or do.

A Dog To The Rescue

Not Bianca-my American Eskimo Spitz.  Unfazed by the intensity of my grief, she waited for the appropriate pauses between sniffles and sobs to hop up on my lap, nestled beside me in bed for hours and never tired of following me around in grief-stricken circles.   The support she provided me won her a starring role in my memoir, "Doris, Sophia and Me," my story of reckoning with the startling elements of being a grown-up.

Just like my mother, I know the day will come when she and I will be forced to part company. As an adult, I have the emotional vocabulary to find my way but when I think of my Godson, whose four-pound golden Pomeranian, Jasmine, died last Sunday, I am reminded that children do not.
 
Grief And Children

Often times the loss of a pet is the first encounter a child will have with death.  Keep in mind a child’s reaction will vary with their age and stage of development.  Here is a quick guide adapted from The American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry:

- Kids ages three to five see death as temporary and potentially reversible.  For this reason it is important to explain to them when a pet dies, it stops moving and doesn’t hear or see anymore.
- Children ages six through eight develop a more realistic understanding of the nature and consequences of death.
- Children over the age of nine generally have an understanding that death is permanent and final.

Tips on how to help when a pet dies

Regardless of a child’s age the following are valuable tips to help a child deal with the death of a pet:

-Tell the children in a familiar setting. 
- Offer them the chance to say goodbye.  If they would like, let them plan a memorial service, which can be especially comforting.
- Share your feelings.  This will help normalize their grief reactions.
- Be honest.  If they ask a question you can’t answer, say so.  Children trust adults who tell them the truth.

Don’t be surprised if a child cries more over the death of a pet than a friend or family member. In my work I hear parents say, “She cried more when our dog died than when her grandfather died.” This is normal. There are various factors that influence the grief reaction, including the relationship between a person/child and the deceased. For some children, the relationship they share with a pet is more meaningful than those they have with family or friends.

Jasmine, sixteen years old, lived a long, yappy life. When it became apparent she was living her last days, my Godson’s mother offered the kids a chance to say goodbye and included them in the conversation about whether or not to cremate or bury her.

Death is a natural part of life. Take advantage of teachable moments like the death of a pet to introduce this complex concept in the confines of love and support. In the end, it will make the idea of death less scary as they grow into adults.

Hugs and Kisses ‘til next time.

Stephanie Baffone, LPCMH, NCC  is an expert on love & loss.