By Gwendoline Odeluga


When my Goddaughter Grace was an infant, I was often struck by certain aspects of her mother’s handling and care. In particular, I noted that Grace was rarely, if ever, dressed in anything pink. As she became an agile toddler, there were few skirts or dresses. This was probably just as well; Grace was bouncy, boisterous, and often in need of the knee graze protection that trousers and dungarees provide. Perhaps as a result of this, she was frequently mistaken for a baby boy - and I have to admit, at the time, this occasionally worried me.

Perhaps most noticeable of all, was that Grace’s mother hardly ever spoke to Grace in that babyish voice, the kind which I think many parents find irresistible (and that research has suggested, babies actually hear more easily). Instead, Mum used grammatically correct but simply constructed sentences, in her usual tone of voice. So rather than a high pitched: “Does Gracie want her boo-boo?!” It was, “Would you like to play with this toy?” I think this constellation, amongst other things, fostered a kind of gender neutrality. And taking our lead from Mum, Grace’s family naturally emulated the same. 11 years later, I now feel that this way of being has largely been a positive influence; Grace is emotionally and physically resilient, and I feel (though I’m obviously biased!) exceptionally clever for her age – favoring maths and science over other subjects. She is also confidently learning to play the piano, saxophone and the viola.

So this leads us to a question – with gift giving season almost upon us, should we who are blessed with children to love, be at all influenced by gender stereotypes and give in to the pressures – sometimes from our little ones themselves, of buying gender specific toys and clothing?

I think perhaps one way to answer this question is by considering as many angles as possible. We can courageously question our motivations. Sometimes it’s helpful to wonder about who is really served by buying a particular gift. For example, do we ever seek to reassure ourselves that our beloved little ones fit our own idea of gender “norms?” Some of us may fear that our nieces, nephews or Godchildren could be bullied for “being different.” Unfortunately, many of us have heard stories about this – like the story of the 11 year old boy from North Carolina who liked My Little Pony toys. In 2013 he was left in a permanent vegetative state following an attempted suicide. I am certain this was a complex case with many contributing factors, but the note read:
"I am so tired of people at school calling me gay because I like My Little Pony."

If we search our hearts for our own prejudices and find some that we would rather not admit to, we can take heart as these will be in part, the residue of our own upbringing. We may find a way out of our prejudices by thinking about what perpetuates unhelpful beliefs in our own hearts and minds, and those of our little ones. And, in what might heal them.

Towards Acceptance

On the other hand, the truth is that no matter how gender neutral we might try to be, our Godchildren, nieces and nephews live in a world that is still, I would argue, for the most part, highly rigid around gender. If buying a toy bulldozer for our little niece satisfies the feminist in us, but leaves the child in tears of disappointment, or the family disgruntled, this might not be the way we want to go. Or, maybe we’ll decide this is precisely what is needed to shake things up. We need to use discernment. 

I do believe that there is movement towards greater acceptance of the myriad ways human gender identity can express itself - as a spectrum rather than the idea of a kind of gender segregation of male and female, with a wall between two worlds of pink and blue that no one dares cross.
We certainly don’t have to look far in the media to notice the increased awareness of transgender children and adults. This is in fact, my world – as I am a specialist psychotherapist who works with adult and adolescent trans men and women. I walk beside these brave souls as they transition into gender congruence. The stories I hear over and over, from my patients both young and old, are stories of being coerced or forced into gender stereotypes as children. At worst, trans children are bullied or abused for their attempts to cross “the wall.”  Others in this population realize early on what their fate would be should they reveal their true identifies, and so hide beneath a facade - the gender norms of their culture until they can break free, or commit suicide, as sadly, too many do.

In the end, it is my belief that if we simply do our best to create a world around our precious children which is loving, nurturing, protective and encouraging, they will develop in ways that allow us first to intuit, with a surprising degree of accuracy, the kinds of gifts they need (which are often free – time, love, energy) and then with the increased confidence this begets all round, children themselves will understand that they can articulate, without fear of shame, their deepest needs and desires.

Preference for specific toys might provide us with clues about those sparks which ultimately become the flames of a secure enough sense of self. With our love, we can help inspire our little ones into an authentic, confident adulthood.

Gwendoline Odeluga is a gender specialist psychotherapist with the NHS in the United Kingdom. She is also in private practice and teaches Yoga. Her website is at wisemoonwoman.com

Photo: kasto
Publisher: November 11, 2015