Excerpted and updated from Savvy Auntie: The Ultimate Guide for Cool Aunts, Great-Aunts, Godmothers and All Women Who Love Kids by Melanie Notkin (Morrow/HarperCollins)
Do Mom and Dad seem to have a sixth sense for keeping your newborn niece or nephew calm, content, and cry-free? Please don’t assume that parenthood has bestowed upon them magical powers that you, as an auntie, could never possess. Chances are they’ve had help from a parenting guru. (A quick glance at any books on their nightstands will probably prove it.)
Being a parent is a hard job, which is why some of them like to embrace a particular parenting philosophy like the ones I’ve listed below. As Savvy Aunties, we give props to the parents who take charge while trying to give their kids the best upbringing possible. If reading a child-care expert’s book and following some of his or her techniques can help calm a colicky baby at 3:00 A.M. or result in more productive feedings, why not? (Research has also shown that children with well-regulated sleep and nap times enjoy better cognitive development down the road.) Whether that means “Ferberizing,” “banguage,” or “babywearing,” parents should raise their kids as they see fit (so long as they’re raising them in a safe environment, of course).
Some parents may take these guidelines as gospel, even judging others for not adopting the same methods. Some will borrow from different philosophies, creating a unique approach that works for them. As a Savvy Auntie, your job is simply to be aware of what these different methods entail and to acquire the expertise needed to support Mom and Dad’s choices.
What if your niece’s or nephew’s parents seem to be winging it, paying the price in frazzled days and sleepless nights? Try suggesting one of the books listed below, or attempt a new putting-baby-to-bed routine the next time you babysit. Watch as Mom and Dad gawk in amazement at your auntuition!
Method: Ferberizing
Guru: Dr. Richard Ferber, director of Boston’s Center for Pediatric Sleep Disorders
Book: Solve Your Child’s Sleep Problems
Philosophy: Encourage “gradual extinction” of middle-of-the-night crying jags by incrementally delaying your response to a baby’s sobs, thus allowing the child to “self-soothe.”
Savvy Auntie’s Role: If you’re taking care of your niece or nephew and he or she wakes up crying, follow Mom and Dad’s Ferberizing instructions, no matter how tough it is to listen to that little angel cry. (You’ll usually only have to hang back for a few minutes, tops.)
Method: Mindell Method
Guru: Clinical psychologist Jodi Mindell, associate director of the Sleep Disorders Center at The Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia
Book: Sleeping Through the Night: How Infants, Toddlers, and Their Parents Can Get a Good Night’s Sleep
Philosophy: Focus on bedtime rituals (rather than what to do in the middle of the night) to ensure healthy sleep, such as putting babies down while they’re still awake.
Savvy Auntie’s Role: If Mom and Dad have a going-to-bed ritual, learn it and stick to it. I know nobody wants to close the nursery door on a baby who’s still awake, so be strict with yourself if you must!
Method: Baby whispering
Guru: Tracy Hogg, RNMH, a British-born nurse, midwife and celebrity nanny
Book: Secrets of the Baby Whisperer: How to Calm, Connect, and Communicate with Your Baby
Philosophy: By learning to interpret “banguage”—that is, baby language, or the signals babies give off when they’re unhappy—a caregiver can best respond to baby’s needs. That may sound New Age-y, but Hogg’s recommendations are actually pretty old-school, like keeping infants on strict sleeping and feeding schedules.
Savvy Auntie’s Role: You’ll definitely want to learn how to read banguage. (It sounds kinda fun, no?) When it’s your turn to babysit, have the sleeping and feeding routines down cold.
Method: Karp Method
Guru: Dr. Harvey Karp, assistant professor of pediatrics at UCLA School of Medicine
Book: The Happiest Baby on the Block: The New Way to Calm Crying and Help Your Newborn Baby Sleep Longer
Philosophy: Babies leave the womb three months too soon, thus causing all the common problems associated with newborns. To reduce babies’ stress and pave the way for happy development, simulate the womb environment using the fve “S’s”: swaddling, side/stomach position, shhh sounds, swinging, and sucking.
Savvy Auntie’s Role: Learn how to swaddle. The other S’s aren’t as tough to master but, of course, should also be adhered to.
Method: Weissbluth Method
Guru: Dr. Marc Weissbluth, founder of the Sleep Disorders Center at Chicago’s Children’s Memorial Hospital
Book: Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child
Philosophy: Since sleep-deprived babies lose out on beneficial physical and cognitive development in the long run, parents should learn how to observe and follow their child’s natural sleeping patterns for best results. (However, regularly scheduled naps are also a big tenet here.)
Savvy Auntie’s Role: If your niece or nephew has a naptime, stick to it! By helping to keep the baby on a regular sleep cycle, you’ll also be saving the parents future sleepless nights.
Method: Attachment parenting
Guru: Dr. William Sears, associate clinical professor of pediatrics at University of California Irvine
Book: The Baby Book: Everything You Need to Know About Your Baby from Birth to Age Two.
Babies develop better with secure parental attachments, both physical and emotional, which include babywearing (carrying the baby in a cloth sling that fits snugly against the parent’s body) and co-sleeping (sleeping in the same bed as Mom and Dad, starting at birth). The American Academy of Pediatrics and the Consumer Product Safety Commission have come out against cosleeping, saying it may cause SIDS if a parent mistakenly rolls over onto a baby in bed. However, there are cosleepers on the market designed to make cosleeping safer.
Savvy Auntie’s Role: Although you may want to try on that babywearing sling, it’s only meant to be worn by the parents, so best not to interfere. Same goes for sharing your bed with a baby.
Method: The “no-cry” method
Guru: Parent educator Elizabeth Pantley
Book: The No-Cry Sleep Solution: Gentle Ways to Help Your Baby Sleep Through the Night
Philosophy: Soothe a crying baby immediately. An infant’s sleep patterns should be analyzed by the parents, but parents should also have lots of leeway in picking the child-rearing methods that work best for them (cosleeping, breast or bottle feeding, etc.).
Savvy Auntie’s Role: As soon as you hear that baby crying, go soothe her until she falls back asleep in your arms.
Method: Elimination Communication
Guru: Ingrid Bauer, an author and speaker on parenting and natural living
Book: Diaper Free: The Gentle Wisdom of Natural Infant Hygiene
Philosophy: Parents can recognize when a baby needs to go potty by learning certain cues, signals and intuitions, thus cutting down on diaper rash, diaper cost and landfill waste. (The philosophy is based on Bauer’s travels in less industrialized countries, where disposable diapers are rare.)
Savvy Auntie’s Role: Newborns go (number one and number two) many, many times a day. Parents who are trying to get the hang of elimination communication could use some patient vibes sent their way, not to mention help cleaning up any “miscommunications.”
You can find this and more information in Savvy Auntie: The Ultimate Guide for Cool Aunts, Great-Aunts, Godmothers and All Women Who Love Kids by Melanie Notkin (Morrow/HarperCollins)
Published: May 14, 2012