Safety Rules when Teen Nieces and Nephews Visit
By Ameeta Jain, Co-founder TeenSafe
Let’s face it: whether or not you’re a parent, dealing with teens is tough. And when you’re not the parent, it can be even tougher. You don’t have the parent’s authority, yet there is a high expectation of keeping the child safe. How can you balance this difficult job: keeping a healthy connection with the teen, based on mutual respect and communication, while protecting them from the many dangers of today’s world?
Set An Agreement
“My House, My Rules” is a time-honored tradition when teens are visiting someone else’s house. In fact, many agree this is the best solution for keeping teens under control… but it’s hard to keep things going if teens don’t know what your rules actually are. Now, the complexity of the rules should depend - in large part - on how long the teen’s going to be in that house. If it’s only a few days, then the agreement should only cover the basics… but if they’ll be staying for a few weeks (or more), then you need to have some real rules put in place.
Start by writing up a list of expected behaviors - going to bed at a certain time, not making excessively loud noise, and whatever else seems most appropriate for that particular teen. Each item should have a reward and a punishment associated with it.
The Consequences Should Be Clear
One of the most difficult aspects of dealing with teens is when there’s ambiguity. Don’t fall into this trap. Rewards and punishments should be clearly outlined:
- Rewards offer an incentive for the teen to follow a particular rule. For example, if they’ll have the opportunity to see a movie, get a special dessert, or earn the right to stay up late on weekends, they may be much more willing to help around the house and ensure their chores are completed on time.
- Punishments shouldn’t be directly called that, but they should exist as an explanation of what the consequences for poor behavior in the aunt’s house are. For truly troubled children, this can and should include a point at which they’ll no longer be welcome in the house - if they’re dangerous, they need to know that their behavior won’t be tolerated. How severe these punishments need to be depends on the child in question - for the most part, the goal is to get the teen to understand that there are consequences.
- In all cases, the punishment should fit the problem. Small problems should have small punishment, while major problems should have major consequences. Try to avoid dwelling too much on this, though - the carrot tends to work better than the stick, but careful use of both is what truly keeps things in order.
The teen’s parents should be fully informed about the terms of the agreement before the child is dropped off - this helps everyone and avoids unpleasant surprises at a later date. The teen should also be made aware that the rules will be different, though whether or not they’re shown the agreement ahead of time is an individual choice. I recommend it, but it’s not required for this strategy to work.
Other Options
Written agreements are good, but they’re not the only way to go. Another option is to explain to the teen the difficult position that you find yourself in, and openly monitor their smartphones (full disclosure: I am co-founder of TeenSafe). This way you can keep track of who they’re talking to, where they’re going, and that they’re actually getting to bed on time. Bring the teen into the discussion - explain why you’re doing this, and what your expectations are of them.
Whatever you ultimately end up deciding to do, try giving the teen a chance to earn new privileges and rewards. Starting off tough may not be the easiest thing in the world, but once teens accept the aunt’s position as the true authority of the house, they’re much more likely to obey the rules.
As the cool aunt, it’s natural to do want to be their best friend and avoid conflict. But a Savvy Auntie knows that with all the dangers that teens face, keeping them safe and healthy is more important than ease. Make the tough choices and keep talking to them so they understand that your only wish is to keep them happy and safe.
Photo: Goodluz
Published: May 20, 2015