Bossy Niece or Nephew? Or Simply, a Promiscious Normativist?
Written By Savvy Auntie Staff Writers
By Savvy Auntie Staff Writers
You're staying over at your brother and sister-in-laws house, taking care of your 3-year-old niece while they are out for the night. Once a super sweet, polite toddler with nary an outburst, your niece has recently become a real boss-lady, telling you how things are done, and not done, at her house.
First, you put her spaghetti on a plate, not a bowl. "No, Auntie! You eat pathgetti in a bowl, not on a pwate!"
Then, you pour your chamomile tea into a cute blue mug you found in the cupboard, and your niece looks at you sideways when you bring it to the table. "Auntie, dat cuppy is for coffee in de morning! You have to use the wed cuppies for tea at nighttime!"
Finally, you stack the plates, bowls and mugs (sorry, "cuppies") into the dishwasher, and it's all wrong: "Auntie, the pwates go dat way! The cuppies go up dere!"
Was that an eye-roll you just caught?
Well, don't worry. Your niece isn't trying to be bossy. Scientists would call her a “promiscuous normativist.” In other words, what she believes is "normal" is whatever her parents do, and she expects everyone does it the same way, even if a parent has only done it once in front of her. And even if a parent hasn't instructed her, or their little boy, on how it's done.
But from now on, that's just how it's done, Auntie. It's less about what can be done, or what should be done. For a little niece or nephew, it's simply what is done. They are just trying to be helpful.
A new study published in Psychological Science, and reported on by Science of Us, finds that toddlers as young as age three infer social norms from actions they see their parents, and other instructive adults in their life, do, even if the adult hadn't specifically instructed it to the child, like: "Blue mugs are used for coffee and red mugs are used for tea." The child simply picks up how it's done, and infers that's just the way it's done. And they want everyone else to fit into the supposed "social norm."
So, how does an aunt handle a “promiscuous normativist” niece or nephew? You can say "Some people eat spaghetti on a plate, and some eat it out of a bowl. I am happy to put your spaghetti in a bowl because that's what you prefer, but I'm going to eat mine on a plate because that's how I like to eat it." Or, "At my house, you can have tea in a red mug or blue mug." Or, "Thanks, sweetie. Let's put the dishes in the dishwasher the way your parents prefer to. Show me again?"
Funny thing is, after your niece goes to sleep, you decide to pour yourself a glass of wine. Now, what would she say? Is it the blue cuppy or red cuppy for white wine?
Photo:
juanaunion
Published: September 21, 2016