How to: Adjust Your Relationship As They Get Older
Written By Savvy Auntie Staff Writers
Once in a while, we come across a guest Expert who has something impactful to contribute to the Savvy Auntie Community. Liz Scherer asked to share her perspective on what happens when a niece or nephew gets older, and how your relationship changes because of it. We loved her point of view and advice and are proud to share it with you, here.
If your life is like mine you may be in that interesting phase of Auntiehood when your nephews or nieces are transitioning from adolescence to teenager or to young adults. It’s a bit jarring, isn’t it?
Do you find your ‘little jewels’ are more reserved, less eager to share, hug, or hang out with you when you visit? Are you asking yourself if this the beginning of the ‘end?’ And how do you navigate their maze while keeping your sanity intact and self-doubts at bay?
I like to think of this phase as the end of one beginning and the beginning of another. In other words, this is a wonderful time to transition the relationship that you’ve spent years building to an even closer, more fulfilling one that exists on multiple levels. The trick is to find a balance between continuing to be the same as you “ever were,” revealing a little bit more of the ‘you’ that they’ve not yet been exposed to and paying more attention to their evolving needs.
You can still color outside the box
As an Aunt, I have often had the privilege of playing the adult and also coloring outside the box. My nephews’ parents have entrusted me with keeping them safe while at the same time, have giving me permission to just “be.” As they mature, there’s no reason to believe that the relationship has to be completely redefined; in fact, in some respects, the playing field is equalizing, which allows for more of a give and take from all standpoints.
Fluidity is key
I’ve always been myself around “my boys.” The only thing that I find that is changing now is that I am taking a bit more time to “read” their needs, much as I would a friend or another adult, while simultaneously, making sure that they understand where the boundaries lie.
Help them shed the old and embrace the new.
If they want to hug me, great! If not, that’s okay too. I want them to feel comfortable in their “new” skin and assured that there are no new demands on them, at least not from me.
Get to know them all over again.
Want to learn what’s really going on in their lives? Call them, take them out for lunch or dinner and spend time with them. I make a point to spend time alone and all together with the boys at least once every six weeks. During these times, I gently ask questions about what’s going on in their lives, making certain that I keep it on the light side. At the same time, I make it known that I understand and am here to listen if they want to confide in me. Their confidences are my confidences, always, unless they are doing something harmful to themselves or to others or placing themselves in danger.
Here, it’s also important to keep in mind that their parents and I are on the same team; we want what’s best for them. So there are times when as an Aunt, I also need to consider the information that’s been shared and whether or not there is a benefit to be gained from parental intervention. Obviously, age plays a huge role and things that you keep confidential when they are 25 are very different than things you keep confidential when they are teenagers. The bottom line: it’s a balancing act. I am their confidante but only within a well-defined (and evolving) framework.
Redefine “fun.”
As they grow older, their interests are changing. What was “fun” yesterday may not be so much fun tomorrow. So, how do I stay on top of that and make sure that we can still pal around?
Ask their parents about the activities that they are engaging in and see if there is a way to get involved. Do they like Wii? Set up a Wii championship afternoon. Do they like to cook? Invite them over and involve them in planning and cooking the meal for both of you. Is ‘Rock Band’ their thing? Get down with it – it can be a great way to bond and reestablish the relationship as it changes.
Finally, keep it real.
If you want them to feel comfortable around you, you need to open up a bit and give a larger piece of yourself. I find that sharing anecdotes from the years when I was the same age is a great way to engage and let them “in.” I talk about my interests, my musical tastes and my experiences as well my personal relationship with their parents. It allows them to get to know me a bit more, reveals pieces of me that they’ve not seen before and also, sheds a new light on those pieces that they have.
There’s no reason why an Aunt can’t also be a friend and a confidante. Be open, loving and set some ground rules. When it comes to being an Aunt, three is a charm!
Liz Scherer is a digital copywriter, health reporter, medical writer, marketing and social media consultant, blogger and women’s health advocate. Her work has appeared in Myslexia, Book Magazine, McCall's and various other women's magazines, journals, wires and websites. Liz’s blog, Flashfree, which focuses on issues relevant to midlife and menopause, is consistently rated as one of the top women's health blogs. She is also a monthly contributor to Disruptive Women in Healthcare and Women Grow Business.