The moment when you finally get a niece or a nephew to confide in you is momentous. I'm not talking about simple "Uncle Jeff, I like ponies," or even "I hate mommy." But I'm talking about significant secrets that can test your boundaries with family and establish stronger bonds with your favorite young people.

As many of us know, we sit outside of the parenting “rules.” We're held to strong moral and behavioral boundaries, but as uncles, we're given a little leeway. An extra scoop of ice cream after dinner or an extra hour of TV at night isn't earth-shattering and is perfectly within our power realm.

From time to time, we tweak the rules with nieces and nephews, but secret-keeping is a tricky situation. What topics can you – or should you – keep from parents? Where's the line between confidAunt and protector? Well, in my experience, I've come up with a few simple rules that should help any uncle or aunt.

1. Safety first
If the secret you're entrusted to keep clearly indicates that dangerous behavior has taken place and/or will take place, you need to take action. You're not around to protect nieces and nephews all the time, so a parent must know this information. Some examples include: playing with fireworks, shoplifting, or going places they're not allowed.

2. Rules Infractions
As the uncle, you bend the rules often to spoil nieces and nephews. The sticky part comes when you find they've broken rules that you or their parents have set. If they confide in you about a rule you've set, it's on you to explain why the rule exists and to stress that it can't happen again. If it's a parental rule, the decision to share this information with their mom or dad depends on the situation. If you can create a learning moment with the child – and you're sure you connected – then you can keep the secret and still maintain your duty as an uncle. But if it's a big rule, like skipping a class or trying a cigarette, I think parents should be brought into the conversation.

3. Affairs of the Heart
Crushes happen. Your niece or nephew is going to – at some point – have a crush on someone at school or camp or in the neighborhood. And as their uncle, you'll probably hear about it before the parents. In most cases, these are secrets you can keep...but be aware of the times you need to alert a parent – when a crush goes beyond that or if your niece or nephew is having trouble concentrating because of their focus on “romance.” Also, if their crush is inappropriately focused on someone the wrong age, you need to tell a parent.

Ultimately, keeping confidences that nieces and nephews share can be challenging. Knowing where a few of the lines are drawn is the first step to keeping your relationship strong and ensuring they continue to share secrets with you. By keeping these lines of communication open, you'll learn more about them as people, and you'll also be able to keep them safe as they grow up.

If you follow these steps, it'll be no secret that you're a good uncle.

Photo: healingdream
Published: August 20, 2012