By Wendy Lynne, www.mentaltoughnesstrainer.com

Wendy Lynne is the Director of Mental Toughness Academy. The Academy’s online Mental Toughness Training helps kids build confidence, focus, determination, and the ability to bounce back from adversity—what they call Mental Toughness. Go here to get the free eBook, The 10 Commandments to Being a Great Sports Parent, and a free training for youth athletes in training, “Master the Pressure.”

With spring sports games around the corner, you might find yourself at some of your niece’s and nephew’s games. You may notice that playing sports is definitely much harder on today’s kids, and one big reason is the overheated competition and expectations in youth sports.

Thirty years ago, there was no such thing as select sports, year-round travel teams, and showcases. Today’s extreme competition and the “win-at-all-costs” mentality have definitely created some casualties. My hope is that you can be another set of eyes and ears for your niece and nephew at their games.

We recently had an athlete share with us…

Whenever I play and know my coach is watching me, I  feel scared. One mistake leads him to shouting or cursing at me in front of my teammates and the people watching. It made me feel very ashamed.

After the game, I hate going back to the locker for fear of what the other kids will say to me. Sometimes I feel like crying. I know it’s not only me who gets yelled at and I try to believe that it’s his way of pushing us to do well in the game and win.

Young athletes can be deeply affected and take hits to their self esteem and confidence, being subjected to this kind of abuse. Most end up wanting to quit.

Trust me, even if you had the same treatment from your parents or coaches and did just fine, even mild forms of emotional abuse, for some kids, can cause them to feel humiliated, rejected, intimidated, and even depressed.

Unfortunately, you may see their parents feed right into this mentality, thinking they are doing their child a favor by “preparing them for real life.” The vast majority of parents are largely unaware of the destruction going on in their own homes, unless it becomes a huge issue. Unfortunately, that is often too late and the long-term damage has already occurred, often in subtle ways.

It doesn’t matter if it is spoken by the child’s coach, parents, or even his or her teammates; it still can make a huge impact, cause trauma, and leave a scar that can affect their behavior for the rest of their lives.

Emotional abuse takes many forms, including any of the following:

-Name calling: "Hey, Stupid, Skinny, Fatty, Klutz..."
-Threatening: "If you don't win, forget about taking a break over Christmas vacation."
-Bullying or taunting by a teammate: "You're an embarrassment to our team."
-Ridicule: "I could have gone faster if I was crawling."
-Unconstructive questions: "How could you let that guy beat you?"
-Withholding Praise or Affection: Not speaking to or comforting the child when they play poorly or the team loses, and showing obvious signs of disappointment
-Punishing or Yelling: For not playing up to your expectations or when her team loses

What you can do as an aunt:

1. Be a safe haven for the child.
Remember that children are extremely sensitive, so sitting down with them for a one-on-one, private talk or reserving a private time on the phone is critical. Let them talk about what they are feeling without interrupting or trying to make them feel better.

2. Explain that coaches are human.
When you feel they have completely shared everything they are willing to share, explain how coaches or parents are human and may have been coached like that themselves or do not realize how damaging their words are.

3. Talk to their parents.
When necessary, try approaching their parents with an intention of respect, and with as little emotion as possible, explain how the child related to you their feelings.

4. Keep an eye on coaches.
Explain how you read this article and how important it is that they, as parents, not tolerate over-the-top screaming, ranting and raving by any of their children’s coaches.

5. Recommend that the parent approach the coach.
If the coach does not seem like they will alter their behavior, suggest it may be time to get a new coach.

This can be a very sensitive subject, but as your niece’s and nephew’s advocate, it would be very helpful if you also kept a sharp eye and ear out for this besides their parents. Not everything happens on the parents’ watch and their emotional health is at stake!

Photo: imagerymajestic
Published: April 9, 2013