Gotta love Bob Marley's optimism: Every Little Thing Is Gonna Be Alright. And while that may not always be true, it's so important for our nieces and nephews to know clearly that the grown ups in their lives are always there to support them and keep them safe. Their grown ups can help everything "be alright." When children see this attitude and the skill to manage changes, they learn to develop that skill for themselves. This is called resilience.  It's the ability to bounce back and adjust course when things change, and it's invaluable.

Here are three things a Savvy Auntie can do to develop a child's resilience:

1. Model Resilience and Flexibility - Show your children how you can fix or manage a problem when it pops up in your life. Maybe you take a break, have a drink of water and make a new plan. Or, maybe you verbalize that you feel sad and disappointed and then find a way to "look on the bright side." While you are modeling, talk aloud about which problems are the big problems and which are the little problems. These labels can help our nieces and nephews think about their reactions. Children learn what they live. And this is a great way to teach them important skills.  

2. Teach Them to Problem Solve - Rather than fixing things for your children or removing all the obstacles, support them while they learn to find solutions. Very young children will look to you to hear about choices that can help manage a situation. Toddlers can begin to come up ideas to answer the question: "What can we do to solve this problem?" Four and five-year-olds can often pose the question to a friend themselves. While they may need some support in negotiating the final solution, they can usually manage the majority of it on their own. Once you recognize that your niece or nephew has acquired some skill in this arena, back off a bit and let them begin to take over.

3. Focus On Identifying and Managing Emotions - Mr. Rogers says, "Whatever is mentionable is manageable." I love this phrase. Reflect children's emotions; encourage them to express what they're feeling and to think about what they can (and can't) do with those feelings. It's perfectly okay for an adult to feel those negative emotions from time to time. And it's perfectly okay to let the kid in your life feel them, too. But after they've had some time sitting with them, focus in on what to do next. How do we process it and move on? What can you do to help yourself feel better?

You deserve to feel competent, joyful, and empowered when you are with your nieces and nephews. They should learn to feel self-confident by example and have the opportunity to reach their fullest potential.

Questions? Email me: Dana@DanasKids.com
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Dana Rosenbloom, M.S. Ed, is owner and therapist at Dana's Kids, a business dedicated to providing support and education for families with both typically-developing children, as well as those with special needs, who are struggling with developmental challenges.

Published: November 27, 2013