Valentine’s Day has come and gone. Your little nieces and nephews may have enjoyed the traditional exchange of cartoon inspired valentines cards taped with lollipops and stuffed in brown lunch bags.  You probably sent cards and candy, too. As silly as the holiday seems, children embrace the distraction, before the sweet notes take on more meaning in middle school and beyond. Then, feeling left out or rejected becomes more relevant.

Let’s just say there is a sigh of relief once the chocolates and sweet tarts have been exchanged. We know as Aunties there is some sense that these kids’ hearts will be broken and their self-worth will be bruised. We know because we’ve been there.

So I wonder if the fact that February is also International Boost Self-Esteem month is a strategic move? As I started looking into it, February it is a great month for various “awareness” raising topics. It is also National Mend a Broken Heart Month, National Chocolate Lover’s Month, and Plant the Seeds for Greatness Month. (See a full list here).

No matter what, though, February can be downer in the scheme of things — there is the deflation after the holidays, the post-resolution funk that settles in after New Year’s, not to mention a record winter with one snowstorm after another across most of the country. It seems we all need a boost of sorts.

“Self-esteem” is as good a topic as any to devote a full 28 days to being mindful of what self-esteem is (and what it is not) and to engage in activities that help you and your nieces and nephews develop esteem-building practices.

What is self-esteem? Self-esteem is the inherent belief, or self-evaluation, of one’s self worth. These evaluations can be positive or negative. It involves self-judgment and it develops over the course of a lifetime through experiences of both failure and mastery.  

Building positive self-esteem is not about showering praise or rewarding children for every effort they make or criticizing the failures. In fact, the experience of making mistakes are important for building resilience, grit, and a stick-to-it-ness that kids will need to work through to be successful in life. Most of our life lessons are learned in challenging experiences, not the easy situations or even necessarily successful ones. Success usually is the result of effort, focus and passion.

The life challenges that build esteem are ones where a child or person knows that no matter what the outcome, they are worthy, and the fact they tried is of greater value than if they had not tried at all.

Here are 5 simple ways to help nurture your nieces’ and nephews’ self-esteem:

1) Role model tenacity and focus.  Kids need to see that things don’t come easy, and that being good at something requires practice, patience and non-judgmental support.

2) Practice self-kindness and mindfulness.  Help children develop self-compassion instead of self-judgment. Mindfulness is a great practice as it helps a child become grounded in their bodies and aware of the moment. This can be as simple as sitting together or lying on the floor with a stuffed animal on the belly, watching it rise and fall with the breath.  Add a dose of self-compassion with words that reflect how lovable and loved we are and how connected we are to each other.

3) It’s OK to ask for help.  Kids grow up with a sense that they should know everything and get things right the first time they try. They fear ridicule and judgment by peers. You can help show them this is not the case. Be there for them as a guide and show them how to ask for help. This becomes especially important as they become teenagers and feel as though they need to have it all figured out.

4) Create self-affirmations from real experiences. This activity can help your niece or nephew recall a proud moment or a time they felt brave when something was hard.  You can use a photo for them time, draw a picture, or make a collage and add the words or phrases that the experience brings up for them. Then they have a visual representation to remind themselves of how they felt and what they are capable of.

5) Help your nieces and nephews, no matter what age, think about what they truly admire or like about themselves or things they feel proud of having done. These should traits or aspects that don’t necessity have to do with appearance, looks or strength--those physical qualities that our culture narrowly defines and sharply judges. Qualities, interests, and hobbies are wide and varied.  It can include being a kind friend, having a great sense of humor, liking horses or skiing, reading books, being creative, and so on.  

But it’s more than a list. It’s also why these qualities are meaningful to your nieces and nephews and how they can be nurtured. After all, living a life that is meaningful, engaging in rewarding personal activities, and having strong connections is what will set up your little ones to have authentic self-esteem, grounded in experiences of love and support.

Resource:
Savvy Aunties: Start with your own self-compassion practice written for moms, aunts and other caregivers.  Download Dr. Tara’s free Self-Compassion Kit.

Photo: Aaron Amat
Published: February 17, 2014