Is Your College Niece or Nephew Homesick?
By Rachel Busman, PsyD, Child Mind Institute: Anxiety and Mood Disorders Center
When you think of college, you may recall the “best time of your life.” College is often a time of great excitement, new academic pursuits, and the development of lifelong friendships. Many enjoy the new sense of freedom and time spent away from home.
Others, however, have feelings of distress upon being away from home, persistent thoughts about old routines and the comforts of home, and feelings of sadness or nervousness—it’s called homesickness.
It may be a surprise to hear this, given that we usually think of young kids going to sleep away camp as being “homesick.”
What does homesickness look and sound like in college students? It may involve frequent calls home, sad or nervous feelings, demands that family come and visit, or requests to leave college. Your college niece or nephew may say, “I hate it here,” “I don’t like anyone,” and “I want to come home.” It may start soon after orientation or pop up after an initial settling in period.
A few things to keep in mind: to some degree homesickness is normal. Many young adults are leaving home for the first time, and like the toddler who ventures away to preschool, there is a natural inclination to show some signs of separation anxiety. For many, normalizing the process (“I hear you saying you feel like you want to come home. Actually, a lot of kids feel this way. It’s normal.”) can be helpful. Encouraging involvement in the college experience rather than isolation is important. Talking less frequently, not more, is another strategy. It gives young adults a chance to exert independence and jump in rather than pull back. More time on the phone to parents or Auntie can actually make worries or sad feelings worse (once/twice a week is reasonable). During phone calls, ask specific questions (about classes, friends), rather than allowing conversations to focus on how much you miss them or hearing complaints about how terrible the food is.
Most if not all colleges talk about homesickness during orientation and offer free services to students through the counseling center. These are often great supports and should be used when needed. Sometimes group sessions are offered, where students can talk about topics including the transition to college and how it is to be away from home for the first time.
It is important, however, to be alert to the fact that transient homesickness can become more serious, and cross the line into something like depression. If your college niece or nephew tells you he or she is not eating or sleeping well or is not attending classes or leaving their room, this is cause for concern. If you have such concerns, don’t hesitate to call the counseling center yourself, contact the residential life staff, or make an appointment for a mental health evaluation.
Sometimes it’s even Auntie who is feeling sad and nervous about the separation. It’s normal to miss your nieces and nephews, and wonder how they will fare in their new environment. Just remember to model calm coping when on the phone, even if you feel sad. Talk to your partner, spouse or friends about how you feel and keep lots of support.
Preparing a child to cope adaptively ahead of time is important, so plan for the possible re-emergence of homesickness after vacations or long weekends when your niece or nephew is home. Talking about it doesn’t mean that you will “plant the thoughts in their head.” Be proactive rather than reactive. Planning ahead with strategies (e.g., “What will you do in the evenings if you feel lonely?” or “Let’s make a schedule of when you meet with the therapist at the counseling center.”) can really help both the college student and you feel prepared.
Rachel Busman, PsyD, is a clinical psychologist specializing in the evaluation and treatment of anxiety and mood disorders in children and adolescents. Dr. Busman has extensive experience providing cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) to children, teenagers, and young adults struggling with psychiatric disorders, school difficulties, and behavioral problems. She has specific interest and expertise in the treatment of obsessive-compulsive disorder, separation anxiety, specific phobias, and selective mutism.
Photo: AntonioGuillem
Published: September 24, 2013