By Mary Ostyn, an author and the mother to ten children, six of whom were adopted. Her most recent book is Forever Mom: What to Expect When You're Adopting.

So you've just found out that a family member has decided to adopt, and you're wondering how best to support them in this exciting process. Here are some ways to be the best auntie in town to that sweet new arrival.

First of all, be prepared that this process may be less predictable than a pregnancy. Some adoptions process very quickly, but many have delays which can be discouraging to the adoptive parents. If the wait goes long and your loved ones look like they need some encouragement, a small gift such as a story book can be a great token of hope to offer -- a reminder that this actually is going to happen. Good adoption-themed children's books include Stellaluna, A Blessing from Above, A Mother For Choco, and Tell Me Again About the Night I was Born.

When it comes time to welcome the child home, as you might guess, the settling-in process can also be a little more complicated, especially when bringing home a child older than newborn age. Adoption experts recommend that parents have a couple months to 'cocoon' at home to help the child settle in well before he spends much time with extended family. Does that mean you can't lay your eyes on that sweet little one? No, but keep visits short, let that little one stay in his momma's arms while you greet him, and let the momma be the one to offer him any goodies or gifts that you've brought.

If needed, you can also help run interference with other relatives who might be tempted to tote that little one away from his new momma too soon or too frequently in those early months home.

Most babies will be well settled in once they've been home 6-12 months. But a few will take longer to feel confident. When in doubt, ask the momma. She is likely to have good instincts about how well her child is settling in.

Does that mean you can't be in that child's life at all? No way! Meals are a fabulous way to bless and nurture new families. If you are ambitious and able, you can also help with laundry, clean the house, pick up the dry-cleaning, or make a grocery run now and then-- anything that will free the new parents up to better enjoy their new sweetie.

If there are other children in the family, keep in mind that they may be feeling some adjustment pangs. Those early months may be a fabulous time to get in some extra-special auntie time with them, especially after the initial homecoming 'shine' has worn off. Reassure them that even if mom is busier than usual, she still loves them and life will get back to normal eventually.

Older adoptees who have experienced trauma may sometimes resist attaching to their new adoptive momma, sometimes preferring an extended family member over their momma. Of course adoration from a kiddo can feel really flattering. But if his attention toward you seems overly intense, be aware of that possible dynamic, and steer that little one back toward mom, especially in the early months after homecoming.

After that child has settled in with his parents, now's your chance to step in and build relationship. Relationships with multiple caring adults in the family are a huge blessing in any child's life, but possibly even more so in the case of an older-adopted child, who may be wondering if he really-truly belongs in this new family of his. You offering a joyful welcome right alongside the child's new parents is a wonderfully affirming answer to that important question. And that new and growing relationship is one that is sure to enrich your own life as well!

Published: November 19, 2014
Photo: Shutterstock