My sister is affecting relationship with my niece
By
Maria C
,
May 21 2012
I am posting this in the hope you can offer me advice.
I am childless, not by choice. I have a sister that is 5 years older than me - she is 51 and I am 46. I have always been extremely close to her daughter who is 24. My sister has mental health issues - has tried to commit suicide twice, has been hospitalized a couple times but once released will not participate in any treatment. She is very passive aggressive and controlling. My sister loves to create drama, talk badly about anyone that is not present (but be nice to their face), and tells lies about almost everything in her life, including her health so that people will feel sorry for her. She is also very passive aggressive and frequently says something incredibly hurtful to me disguised as concern. I used to reach out to this sister a lot because I was always concerned she would isolate herself and become suicidal but my reward was feeling put down or sick to my stomach with worry , then feeling upset when I found out most of what she told me was a lie. Two years ago and with the help of a therapist, I decided to limit contact with my sister because it was making me depressed and I didn't want to participate in her dysfunctional behavior anymore. In addition, the last time my sister made a passive aggressive comment, I told her I knew she was doing it out of hostility and to stop it. My sister was very angry that she was no longer getting my attention and took talking badly about me to a whole other level within my family. When it first happened, I told my niece why I needed to pull away from her mother. My niece is a nurse and she told me she understood, and that when she talks to her mother, she now treats her like a patient.
I'm giving you all this background because now, after 2 years, I noticed that my relationship with my niece is no longer the same. My niece has been living in another State for the past 4 years and comes home a couple times a year to visit. She and I would always have a day to spend together. The last 3 times she has come to visit (this past year) she makes a lot of excuses why she can't see me, and spends every free minute with her mother. This past weekend she came to visit and it was especially hurtful. My niece invited me to go to the beach with her mother and my mother (grandma). I live on the way there and was ready to go and then my niece (or my sister who knows) texted me that they already passed my house (which I know was a lie) and they couldn't come to pick me up. I was so hurt. My mother is just like my sister and I could just see them bitching about me all day in the car and on the beach. When they got home, I went to my sister's house to see my niece. My sister wouldn't talk to me, just sat there looking angry and my niece went and sat next to her with her head hanging down looking sad.
I am so hurt by my sister. She knows I can't have children and I can't believe she would try to turn my niece against me. My husband tells me she is mentally ill and that my niece is just trying to avoid her anger too. What can I do to maintain my relationship with my niece? I already am her Facebook friend but it's not enough. The phone doesn't work because she only sends texts. I have also gone to visit her but she was cold to me last time I visited and acted like she didn't understand why I was there. Any suggestions would be appreciated.