My mother and I raised my niece...
By
Susu
,
Jun 13 2015
My sister brought my niece home from the hospital, put her in my arms, and didn't check on her again for weeks. Other than a brief time, 5 months with her mother, my mother and I raised her. I was the bread winner, blessed with a good income, and provided for both her and my mother.
I never dated until my niece was 8. My primary goal was caring and providing for her. I was there for every milestone; first smile, first steps, first day of kindergarten and every grade thereafter. Dedicated my weekends to spending time with her, never vacationed without them, was Santa Claus every Christmas, planned and gave the birthday parties, and thought of my niece as "my gift in a strange package". During the week I traveled with my sales job.
My sister and I were very close as children. Our parents divorced when I was in third grade and my sister always said I was more like her mom than my mother. We grew up latch key kids, cleaned the house every day and had dinner on the table when my mom got home from work every night. Our relationship became strained once my sister begin to use drugs in college. Though I never stopped loving her unconditionally, I was forced to choose between my own serenity or her active addiction. I learned to stop enabling her, but continued to love her always, unconditionally. I myself have been in recovery for 30 years and could sympathize with the powerlessness of the disease.
My mother was a narcissist. I loved her, was dedicated to her well being, but came to realize I should not expect the same from her as a child or an adult. We never had a conversation when she didn't begin her reply with "what about me?". Once my niece came home with a "my child made the honor roll" car sticker and my mother insisted I NOT put it on my car. It was only for her car she said. Christmas consisted of me playing Santa Claus, while my mother gave her gifts under the tree from her. I always tried to adopt my niece in order to give her better insurance benefits, etc., but my mother refused to allow it because "she wanted to use her as a tax write-off". Once she asked me if I could write her a check for my niece's braces rather than paying the orthodontist directly, so she could pay with her check and use it as a tax write-off! I was horrified, but not surprised. and so it went....
Recently, my niece started therapy after the death of my sister and mother. The therapist told her without my mother she could have ended up with a foster family or up for adoption. He said she should be grateful that my mother "rescued her" from such a horrific fate. My niece shared his thoughts with me several months ago. I listened to her, then ask if she didn't see me as one of her primary caregivers as well? She said, "no". It broke my heart, but I never said a word as I didn't want to upset her.
Recently my niece gave birth to a baby boy. She and the baby's dad live with his stepmom and Dad. My niece recently shared with me the stepmom was teaching her to be "mom". I decided it was time to share my feelings, without any expectations, while trying not to upset her. She just looked at me with such a lack of empathy and that was that. She said she did remember that I came to her school once when she was in the fifth grade.
I realize that I have no power over another's feelings. I can't change what she believes or thinks, but I have a huge hole in my heart. I've asked myself "what did you expect from her after raising her?. I expected love, no more, no less.
Has anyone out there experienced the same? I would appreciate any honest feedback. If I have unrealistic expectations and I'm the selfish one, I would like to know that as well. Any input is appreciated.
P.S. as my mother always refused to discuss her care while alive; power of attorney, etc. I am financially broken after caring for her with Alzheimer's. I'll probably lose my house too at this point. She never wanted to discuss her care. She always said, "I'll never die. I will live forever." Yet here I am.....