May is the month for Young Achievers and Leaders of Tomorrow, so we are turning to one of our experts for advice on instilling confidence in our hardworking nieces and nephews.

As the school year begins to wind down in many parts of the country, children get ready for vacations and the next chapters of their lives. The month of May presents us with graduation ceremonies and opportunities to celebrate our nieces and nephews. This time of year also reminds me of my high school graduation, college experience, and a gift—a lesson really—that I want to share with the children in my life as they take developmental steps.
 
My story begins when I was 8 and learned about Vassar College from a historical fiction book I was reading. Vassar is one of the Ivy League sister schools built to educate women at a time when the Ivy League only accepted men. After I had learned about it, I decided I wanted to go to college there. My mother explained that getting into Vassar would not be easy and that I would have to study hard and also excel in activities.
 
I had been a determined child and on hearing my mother’s advice, I applied myself and continued to study hard. I maintained an A-average, played sports, won academic honors, volunteered for several organizations, became an editor on the school paper and won a national journalism award. When I was a senior in high school, I applied to Vassar for an early decision and was in the pool of candidates they first accepted.
 
Today, I can look at this and see how the determination and preparation I did to pursue a 10-year goal of going to Vassar set me up for success in college. But once on campus, I found myself intimidated by my college peers. Many of them had gone to elite prep schools and they already carried a pedigree education. A significant percentage of the students came from New York City and there were many from other major cities across the country. These students had an urban sophistication that I lacked. Had Vassar made an error when they accepted me?

Why Try? I thought.
 
My first week as a freshman, I remember being in an orientation group and listening to my peers talk about reading Gabriel Garcia Marquez’ One Hundred Years of Solitude during vacation. I compared this to my summer working as a switchboard operator for a hospital in order to save money for college. I asked myself how I could compete with these more educated urban sophisticates. I didn’t believe my public school education and Montana upbringing could compare.
 
And so I chose not to compete. For the next two years, I did the bare minimum to get by in classes. I still worked to earn money and remained active in extracurricular activities. I tried everything from radio broadcasting for our campus station to student body leadership. But my studies were given low priority. I was convinced that I was not going to get the best grades, so why try?
 
My parents didn’t share my perspective. They didn’t understand why their A-student had suddenly become a B-minus student. And they weren’t going to listen to any arguments from me about the other students either. Both of them came from lower class backgrounds and they knew what they had been able to achieve through hard work. As I accumulated the debt of school loans for an expensive education, they questioned my behavior. Then, they decided to make me take a semester off from school and re-think my purpose in attending college.
 
For the next seven months, most of my time was spent working again as a hospital switchboard operator. I had dreams of a career in marketing or journalism, and I quickly realized I was not going to achieve my career goals unless I returned to college with a commitment to pull better grades and get my degree. So after my one semester leave, I went back to Vassar and jumped to an A-average at the end of the term.
 
It was not my peers that had held me back from achieving my potential. It was bad thinking on my part. I had told myself I could not get good grades and lived up to that belief. When I told myself I had to do better, I lived up to my new way of thinking. As humans, we have an amazing ability to live up to the expectations we set for ourselves whether good or bad.

What I learned
 
This past summer, I returned to Vassar for my 20-year college reunion. I was once again reminded of the amazing peer group I had. My class was comprised of a talented group of people and many of them have done well in their chosen professions. But now I see myself as one of those people—rising to the level of being a company president by my mid-30’s. As I considered what I had achieved against the intimidation I felt when I first started college, I realized again the error in my thinking.
 
We all face times in our lives where we enter a situation and feel like we may not belong. We compare ourselves to others and question whether we are in the right place. But I encourage you to push aside those doubts, lose the words “I can’t,” and learn to confidently say the words, “I belong here.”
 
Whether this lesson is a gift you need to give yourself or one for nieces and nephews, below are a few ways to make sure that it sticks:
 
Ask “how did I get here?”
Write down the reasons in a notebook or journal. We can easily forget all of the steps that we have taken to get into a school, a job, a club, or a new endeavor. Reminding ourselves of relevant achievements not only re-establishes why we belong in a certain place but also shows our ability to set and meet goals.
 
Create a token to view often or carry.
Anytime we want to bring an affirmation into our life, we need to repeat it regularly and consistently. Write down the words, “I belong here,” on a piece of paper or ink it on a stone or small object that can be carried. Each time the words are viewed, repeat “I belong here.”
 
Find or be an accountability partner.
Form a partnership with a niece or nephew to hold each other accountable to remain confident. Call each other when those insidious self-doubts appear. Remind each other of the abilities and strengths that give meaning to “I belong here.”
 
Have you found yourself in a situation where you felt like you didn’t belong because you lacked confidence? What did you do in that situation? In hindsight, is there anything you would do differently today?

Photo: stockimages
Published: May 13, 2013