During the month of August, kids are preparing to go back to school and younger children are Getting Ready for Kindergarten. Here are six ways for Aunties to be positive role models and help nieces and nephews navigate through new social landscapes.

Do you ever look into a child’s eyes and just behold the wonder of being small? Maybe you find yourself cuddling your little niece or nephew and hope that the world will be good to them. You want them to be safe and happy. More quickly than you realize, they start to grow up and engage in the world. They ask all sorts of big kid questions, go to school, and form friendships. They seem to become mini-adults in a flash.
 
There’s no question that today’s world is more socially complicated than ever before. We might say this about every generation, of course, as advances in education, technology, and understanding human behavior evolve. But the social world has changed radically in a very short amount of time. You may be Skyping or using Facetime with your nieces and nephews, which is just so cool; and they take for granted that people can connect in many ways – ways that didn’t exist even 5 or 10 years ago. You recognize this major transformation in an ever more interconnected world and they simply think it’s normal.
 
Now that we live in a complex society, how can we help foster social and emotionally intelligent children? How can Aunties play a role in helping their nieces and nephews navigate this complex world and still be sensitive, caring people?
 
Really, it’s pretty simple. Aunties are in a prime position to be role models. Here are six ways you can help to shape social intelligence among nieces and nephews.
 
1. Be a calming presence.

As children begin to learn about limits and rules, they can get naturally frustrated. You can model a calm, deliberate response and active problem solving.  Being both calm and consistent shows children appropriate ways to manage social situations and emotional reactions. Comfort and gentle guidance is key when they are toddlers. As they get older, you can begin to have conversations about expectations and consequences about behaviors that are considered positive or negative, helpful or unhelpful, kind or unkind.
 
2. Show kindness.

This may sound obvious, yet adults can easily talk aloud and complain about anything from the traffic, weather, the waiter to more personal things like a boss or coworker, one’s weight or appearance, or money. It’s takes some awareness and practice to be mindful about how one talks about herself, other people, places and things rather than being critical or complaining. Aunties are in a wonderful position to express a larger worldview, perspective taking, and compassion for self and others.
 
3. Appreciate diversity.

As children begin to engage in the world they start to recognize who is similar to them and who is different.  This may cause some confusion and discomfort. As they grow up, Aunties can help them understand that people can co-exist no matter what ethnicities/race, religion, points of view, personality and ability/disability. As the world becomes more socially complex, having conversations about the ways we are “global citizens” will be important. This is especially true as your nieces and nephews are launched into the world as teens and young adults. So start early.
 
4. Demonstrate mutual respect.

Growing up is challenging and we all learn from failures and mistakes. A child’s missteps are necessary for learning and building skills that will result in high self-esteem and confidence. Helping your niece or nephew recognize when they’ve made a mistake, been rude or mean, or simply oblivious to the feelings of others is crucial; same goes for the sports field.  Winning is not the end game, even if our culture and some coaches seem to drill this mentality into children. Learning skills to play on a team, communicate with friends, and respect the one’s opponent is much more valuable for life skills. To be sure, there will be many teachable moments when it comes to children’s behaviors. Notice when these situations arise so you can have a non-judgmental conversation with your niece or nephew. Surely you have similar stories from your own childhood that are appropriate to share. Your stories can help them realize people – including you – make mistakes and that people can recover from them, too.
 
5. Be joyful and show appreciation/gratitude.

So much of the time kids get caught up in the daily hassles of life, with peer pressure, homework, fitting in, how many friends they have on Facebook, followers Twitter and on Instagram; they obsess about who comments on their posts or how they get ranked or rated. This self-involvement becomes more apparent as they approach the middle and high school years when achievement and accolades rule the day; it creates a new kind of social anxiety. In an “all about me” and 24-7 hyper-entertainment culture, children have very little downtime to reflect and recognize why or when they are actually content and happy. Some children don’t even know how to relax.
 
Most of the time feelings of happiness or joy occur in the small, subtle moments of life – when children are wholeheartedly involved in things they are passionate about, when they feel comfort in a particular place, and when they are around people who love them for who they are. In those moments, the critical voice of self or the fear of rejection by others is absent. You can help them identify such moments. This could be times when your niece or nephew is simply relaxing, reading, walking, playing with the dog, immersing themselves in an art project or hobby.
 
6. Identify core values.

Create rituals that reflect on such joyful moments. This helps children develop a sense of self and recognize the gifts of daily life. This can happen at extended family gatherings or in more quiet moments with your niece and nephew. You can begin to explore what is important to them and to the family. Ask questions. What’s meaningful to them? When do they feel they are their best selves and why? You can help them come up with adjectives like “I’m adventurous, creative, kind, caring, athletic, inventive, have a good sense of humor...” or “Our family respects the environment, loves to explore and travel, and try new things.” Not only does this establish a sense of both personal and family core values, it also supports the development of important skills in self-awareness, self-confidence, and managing stress when life gets more complicated.
 
Really, you can be a trusted ConfidAunt to help your nieces navigate their social world. For the most part the pressure is off you – parents get most of the flack. You can be calm, cool and collected. That’s a sweet deal.

Dr. Tara Cousineau is a clinical psychologist, mother, and Aunt. She is founder of BodiMojo.com for teenagers, a health engagement platform for teens leveraging web and mobile technologies to inspire healthy living. The use of BodiMojo.com by teen girls has shown to have a significant effect on improving girls’ attitudes about their own body image. Tara also blogs at BodiMojo.com/blog and TeensInBalance.com.

Published: August 6, 2013