By Anne Mai Bertelsen

Long before I became a mom having the inevitable sex and contraception conversation, I was an aunt having those delicate conversations with nieces and nephews who were only a dozen or so years younger than me. Rather than shying away from the “taboo” subject, I ventured in – albeit timidly – and, in doing so, cemented a bond to my nieces and nephews and gained invaluable insights when it was my turn to have this conversation with my own children.

I didn’t intend to start this conversation.  After all, sex, like money and religion, is generally considered a private matter; a conversation to be held between parents and children, not between aunts and nieces and nephews. In my case, as I’m sure it is for most aunts, it started out innocently enough: a curious inquiry from my 10-year-old goddaughter who discovered a copy of Proud Pete, a flipbook on how to use a condom, in a pile of my books.

Immediately, I thought “Uh-oh, what would her mother say?” But, I also knew enough about kids to know that if you overreact, you risk elevating a topic to taboo status, which only drives more furtive inquiries on their part. So, instead, I asked my goddaughter what she thought of the flipbook. “Well, it’s kind of funny,” she answered. “And, I’m not sure why ‘it’” – referring to Pete, the cartoon penis – “needs a hooded turtleneck.” And, so began our conversation on why Pete might need a hooded turtleneck.

In hindsight, it wasn’t my finest hour, but I survived the conversation and over the years I have had similar conversations with my nieces – and occasionally nephews – about sex, sexually transmitted diseases and, yes, protection.  Here are a few things I have learned that have helped me in those conversations:

Follow their lead: Sex and protection are not really conversation openers. You can’t say “Hi, how are you; want to talk about sex?” Instead, I follow their lead. My nieces and nephews usually start the conversation. It can start because of a movie or TV show we are watching or when they relate a story they heard from a friend. You’ll know by their questions and their changing of the subject (or not) how much information they want and when they have had enough of the conversation.

Be their “safe harbor”: Talk of sex is scary – especially between a teen/pre-teen and an adult. Let them know this is a safe conversation; that you respect them and love them and are there to help them make good, age-appropriate choices.

Be factual and honest: Teens and pre-teens have lots of questions but are often too embarrassed to ask the questions from adult sources. Instead, they get and share information from their friends, who often have erroneous or incomplete information. Or, they search online. But because they don’t always have enough information, it’s difficult for them to evaluate the merits of what they learn from these sources. As their aunt, you can provide that information – and even direct them to websites with credible information.  Two I like:

-Sex, Etc. – a site for and by teens funded and managed by Answers, Rutgers University’s national program on comprehensive sexual education.
-Teen Talk – Planned Parenthood’s Teen Sex education site.

Be age- appropriate: Keep the age of your niece and nephew in mind when having this conversation.  Medical terms might be appropriate for older teens but not for pre-teens.

Share your values: This can be tricky but I think it is important. As an aunt, I want the best for my nieces and nephews and part of that means I want them to be able to explore their dreams. So, that means that part of our conversation about sex also involves talking about making decisions that might impact their ability to explore their dreams. And I offer my values not as a way to condemn or lecture them but to focus on helping them through this maze, giving them information to make appropriate choices that they will feel good about – both now and years from now.

Keep the door open for future conversations: I end my conversations with my nieces and nephews with an invitation to reach out to me any time, anywhere they have a question. So often questions about sex and protection evolve over time, reflecting their maturity and the status of their relationships. Letting them know you are always there for them can help them navigate this challenging time.

Anne Mai Bertelsen is an aunt to 15 nieces and nephews and the founder and president of MAi Strategies, an integrated marketing and digital strategy firm.

Published: June 27, 2010