Recently, I bought a gift for my 11-year-old niece that was a canvas of Van Gogh’s Sunflowers she could paint. Little paints and brushes were attached, and the canvas had the flowers and leaves outlined in black.

I thought it was a cute and fun gift for a creative girl. When I was on the phone with my niece, she told me how she liked the canvas but worried that she couldn’t do it “right.” My little perfectionist fretted about making a mistake and “messing it up.”

I assured her that it didn’t matter how she painted it. In fact, she could paint the sunflowers purple if she wanted. She didn’t have to do it exactly like the picture, and could put her own spin on it. She liked the idea of doing it her way and was relieved to have “permission” to be imperfect. “Thanks, Aunt Janice,” she said with great relief.

Perfectionism can rear its head at any age and can cause stress for little ones. It’s also not a great thing for Savvy Aunties and parents to experience in their own lives.

Perfectionism is a way for us to avoid vulnerability, according to Dr. Brene Brown, author of The Gifts of Imperfection, during a recent presentation in Houston. Brown is a researcher specializing in perfectionism, shame, and grief. “Perfection is a 20 ton shield," she says. "We carry it to keep from being hurt but it keeps us from being seen.”

I’ve seen perfectionism quite often during my ten years of organizing work. I have seen young children who crumple up paper after paper in frustration for not drawing or writing perfectly.
For adults, they procrastinate on projects because they can’t do it perfectly. After all, why start on something when you don’t have everything you need or can’t devote the time to it to make it perfect?  Perfectionism comes out of fear of success and fear of failure.

Brown says we need to have self-compassion for ourselves. “We have to give ourselves permission to be ourselves.” Creativity is about being imperfect. Unused creativity is not benign. “It metastases as grief, anger, and shame.”

So how do you practice imperfection? How can you encourage your nieces and nephews to be imperfect?  

Create a Mantra: Remind yourself and your nieces and nephews about letting go of perfectionism. I use one from my organizing colleague and friend Donna Smallin who says, “Done is perfect.”

Don't Sweat the Small Stuff: Speaking of done being perfect, stop yourself when you find
yourself or the children obsessing over tiny details. Ask yourself what’s more important –getting it done? Or getting it done perfectly?

Enjoy the Art of Imagination: Encourage your nieces and nephews to create art pieces. Whether they do painting, drawing, or mixed media (gluing things on a page), encourage their imaginations to fly.

Let Them Lead: If your nieces and nephews are helping you by folding towels or doing other chores, don’t follow behind them to do it the “correct” way. If you must do that, wait until they go home.

Different Strokes: If they say their parents do something differently, shrug and tell them that everyone does things differently and there is no right or wrong way to do something.

Nothing Compares: When your nieces and nephews compare themselves to their siblings or friends, assure them that everyone has their own talents and abilities.

In this case, practice can make you imperfect, and that’s a good thing.

Published: May 11, 2011