By Mary Ellen Hardies

When I was a little girl, I didn’t much dream of my wedding day. In fact, when my grandma tells the story, she remembers distinctly that I told her I would be living in New York City, no men, no pets, ok, maybe a cat.

Up until about three years ago, that was all coming true, except for the New York City thing. I have a fear of birds and the pigeon capital of the world and I had a brief love affair before I hightailed it back to suburbia.

What I certainly never dreamed of being was a stepmom. I mean, come on, I couldn’t commit to having my own kids, let alone someone else’s kids. Don’t get me wrong. I have plenty of children in my life, but none of them are mine! I have three nieces (now four, but I’ll get to that), two godchildren and several little munchkins who made me an ABC. I love being a part of their life, but I am not their parent. I am their cool aunt, who swoops in with crafts, presents, tickets to the amusement park and babysits so mom and dad can finally have a glass of wine at a nice restaurant…but a mom…no siree.

Now, let’s fast forward to August 2014 when I not only gained a husband, but also two stepsons.

I’ve never been a fan of the world stepmom. I prefer bonus mom or Miss Mel. I firmly believe that my husband’s children have a mother. A perfectly capable and devoted mother and I, in no way, want to replace her or ever appear to do so. I do, however, want to be a part of their lives. I want to go to their swim meets, school plays to the zoo on weekends with them. I want them to know that when they are at our house, they are loved just as much as when they are at home and that they can always find a safe place when they are with us.

For a long time, I was childless (not childfree) by choice and circumstance. In the blink of an eye, it seems, I gained two sons, who I think actually like me! I celebrate the idea of mixed families. When it comes to adults willing to love, support and raise children, my philosophy is, the more the merrier.

I take on a similar role as bonus mom as I do as an aunt. I’m not the parent, but I care for them as if they were mine. I don’t make the choices about their education or their medical care, but I care about the choices made for them. I’m a sounding board for my husband and hope to be seen as a helping hand to their mother.

While I never saw my life looking like it looks today and I never thought I would be the woman filling my Facebook feed with videos of first steps, first words, first loose tooth; I have in fact become that person. I believe that having children in my life, even though they are not mine, has made me a better person. I’ve developed patience on a new level. I’ve learned to appreciate very simple successes and I’ve learned not to be overcome by failures because someone is counting on me to be at my best.

On this, step family day, if you are childless by choice or circumstance, I challenge you not to discount the idea of marrying a man or woman with children. They can enrich your life in ways you never thought possible.


Photo: Photostock

Published: September 3, 2014