There are so many amazing women (and men!) that don’t have kids but still deeply understand so much about young people.  I am sure you are one of them.

For those of us who mentor or spend time with older nieces, nephews, or young people in our lives, it’s important to understand the culture of perfectionism that these young people face every day.

I spent a significant amount of time (over 17 years) designing and delivering youth programming, 10 of which were spent teaching high school. Halfway through this time, smart phones were introduced. Over time, I observed a dramatic difference in the young person’s view of self worth before the invention of Instagram and before texting replaced live conversation. This is not an article about technology being bad. Like anything, it has its pros and cons. Moderation and perspective creates healthy usage.

What I am sharing is gained by using something called “Self as instrument.” It’s not research done in a lab, but a collection of observations having worked with over 50,000 young people directly over almost two decades.

As smart phones became a physical appendage, you could almost feel the collective anxiety of the school building steadily increase. The amount of guidance issues multiplied in droves. From an increase in reports of eating and anxiety disorders to the hot button issue of bullying, the tools that kept kids connected quickly created a culture of perfectionism in our most vulnerable population.

Before smart phones, you mostly saw images of others if you watched TV. You had to actually sit down at a computer to see the internet, and at the time YouTube was in its infancy.

The smart phone introduced a constant stream of thoughts, images, videos, and communications into a young person’s world. At this crucial and sensitive time of development came an overwhelming desire to compare oneself to others: their looks, what they are doing on the weekends, and who their friends are suddenly became all the more visible. Young people are still evolving emotionally, physically and psychologically. Their brains are literally developing, learning to react and respond to emotions and understand the consequences of their actions and more (this development occurs specifically the pre-frontal cortex).

The overload of information, especially to a young, developing brain can easily start to create a message: I have to be like what I see, I have to be something other than what I am. This desire to belong is natural at this age. Now imagine it kicked up about 100 notches with a 24/7 steam of information.

So what does any of these have to do with us?

I’m throwing out a hypothesis: One of the most powerful thing to interrupt this culture of perfectionism embedded into our reality is positive relationships with trustworthy people. In a perfect world, every kid would turn to his or her parents, but we know that is often not the case.

Older relatives, guidance counselors, teachers, and yes, the special role of aunt or uncle has become much more necessary and helpful in this most uncertain time.  Just the mere positive presence of an affirming mentor during adolescence who is sharing encouragement and kindness, listening, and offering positive reinforcement is currency that has limitless value.


Here are a few subtle things you can do to interrupt this culture of perfectionism in your role as auntie, uncle or mentor:

1. Keep track of accomplishments and achievements and offer small gestures to congratulate them. A handwritten note or a meaningful memento can also be a reminder to a young person of their worthiness. Comment on the qualities it took to achieve the goal, not just the goal itself. Were they determined , passionate, or hardworking? Stay focused on the process of success not the prize of it.
2. Compliment young people on more than their looks. Are they a math scholar, striving athlete, a budding singer, involved in community service or studying to master a new language? Notice when your compliments are about outward appearance and acknowledge things with depth that show their strengths.
3. Plan activities with “no phone zones,” even for short periods of time. Make it a game – it’s not a punishment. Who can last the longest without checking their phone? Inspire and engage them in something that requires their attention: a cultural experience, a sports event, or a craft activity. Yes, we adults can be guilty of phone obsession ourselves, but lead by example.
4. Share fitness activities. Exercise gets those endorphins moving and can be a mood booster. If a young person is suffering from the ramifications of anything I’ve described, this can be a great diversion
5. Talk to them. You know what to do. Live conversation is a lost art. Try asking them about themselves and being genuinely interested in who they are.

Sadly this culture of perfectionism is not exclusive to young people. It has spilled over to all of us. Look for yourself where you compare yourself to the achievements or aesthetics of others. Remember that social media and what we see through out tiny little phone is a sliver of life. Fulfillment and happiness preceded the invention of the device. Explore it all newly for yourself as well.

Published: June 9, 2015
Photo: Yacobchuck