By  Katelyn Fry

Your sister just gave you the news and you can barely contain yourself. It’s official! You’re a DebutAunt-to-Be! A first-time Auntie! You’re overwhelmed with excitement, as is your sister, and you immediately begin planning all of the cute baby outfits to buy, a baby shower, and all of the ways you’re going to spoil this little guy or girl when they’re born into the world.

Then a few more weeks go by. You get another phone call. Your sister went to the doctor for what should have been a routine check-up, but she was given unexpected news... Quite possibly the worst news a woman could hear. She had lost the baby.

What do you even say to her? And that’s not a rhetorical question. Literally, what in the world do you say to a woman, a woman closer to you than anyone in the world, who was just preparing for motherhood, who finds out that is no longer going to be with this pregnancy?

Speaking from experience, the answer is to say nothing. Not right away, at least. I know because my older sister recently had a miscarriage. And I was speechless. There is nothing anyone can say to make the situation any better.

If you are able to, just go to her. Go to her, hold her, and be the rock you always have been. In the beginning, no words could possibly suffice. But your presence will do more than you think. Let her cry. Let her scream. Let her question the world and why it did this to her. If your job or other responsibilities will allow it, I recommend taking a few days off to be with her, even if it’s just for an extended weekend. Your sister needs to take the time to unleash all of her heartbreak and emotions, and she needs you there for it.

Your sister needs you to listen. Just listen.

The beginning stage of this awful reality will be fairly chaotic, and your main role may very well be to just listen. And no one else is better suited for the job. Her spouse or partner will be equally devastated, and can only offer so much comfort. He or she will need time to heal as well. Your mother may be right there by her side with you, doing what moms do best and trying to take care of her child, but in being her mother, her emotions may get the best of her and your sister has enough emotions raging inside of her already.

That is why your sister needs you – her life-long best friend with whom she need not filter what she says.

Then, it's your turn.

After some time has gone by, it’s time to help her accept what has happened. By this point, she will probably be able to start having a conversation about it. During the first stage, your main job was to listen. Now you get to do some of the talking.

As I said earlier, my challenge was what to say to my sister. I found that a great starting point was answering the many questions she had been asking me:  

- You look your sister in the eye and you tell her with every ounce of confidence you have, that no – this is not her fault.

- No, this is not some sign that she doesn’t deserve to be a mother.

- You remind her about unfortunately how common this is; she is anything but alone

- Take the initiative to look into local support groups for women who have also been through this experience and give her a list of options.

- Help her accept not only that this has happened – but to accept it as the past – and now, the only direction to move is forward.

Every woman is different and each healing process is different. Some women may want to try to get pregnant again right away. Others may be discouraged. No matter which category your sister falls in, it is very important to understand the facts. When she's ready, schedule and attend a doctor appointment together to gather all the information. Was this tragedy completely and utterly random? Was it due to biological factors beyond her or her partner’s control? Would there be any risks in giving it another chance?

After having her questions answered, you’re now entering the final stage of grief: where to go from here. My sister was terrified at first at the thought of enduring this loss a second time. She began to doubt if she truly was capable of being a mother, convincing herself that this might have been meant-to-be and motherhood is not in the cards for her - words spoken by the most nurturing and compassionate person I’ve ever known. I don’t think I’ve ever heard a more untrue statement in my entire life, as I’m sure many of you would feel if you heard your sister say such a thing. In this stage of this difficult journey, your sister needs you now just as much as she did that first phone call.

You were there to give her comfort. You were there to give her acceptance. And now, you are there to give her hope.


Photo: Zinkevych
Published: February 22, 2017