Want to Help Teens Cope? Don't Offer Advice.
Written By Savvy Auntie Staff Writers
By Katelyn Fry
When our teen nieces and nephews have a problem, we tend to offer "When I was your age, I did this," advice, hoping they can learn from our wisdom. Turns out, we’ve been doing it all wrong. Experts say teens are more likely to be turned off than tuned-in to that approach, and offer a better way to communicate.
Whatever our teenage nieces and nephews are coping with - a break-up, a fight with a friend, school stress, etc., it has the potential to feel like the end of the world. Julie Fraga, a writer for NPR, explains that “the brain develops rapidly during the adolescent years, which partially explains why teens experience anger, sadness and frustration so intensely.” And our offering adult-wisdom probably won't help.
Psychologist Dr. Sheryl Gonzalez Ziegler explained to Fraga that when we try to relate to teens by telling them it won’t hurt forever, "or anything along the lines of ‘this too shall pass,'" it works against us. Teenagers are looking for proof that we don’t get what they are going through and saying things that they can’t relate to verifies their theory.
Ziegler says that we do best when helping teenagers develop and master coping methods of their own. She recommends that instead of making it seem like we have the answers
because we’ve lived through it, we should let our nieces and nephews know that
we see their perspective, or ask them to consider their friend's perspective.
She suggests modeling "cognitive empathy" by saying things like: "When I was your age, I had difficulty
with my friends. I felt confused, and my heart was broken, too."
While empathy enables us to understand how someone else feels, "cognitive empathy also allows us to try to understand someone else's perspective and how they perceive the world, even when our feelings differ," explains Fraga.
Actively working on developing cognitive empathy enables teens to “realize that people and situations change,” and develop an “emotional pause button” when faced with a particular problem, Zeigler says.
Taking this approach with your nieces and nephews will not only help them manage stress, but it will most likely encourage them to open up to their ConfidAunt more often. By acknowledging their emotions, you’re demonstrating that while life can be hard, it’s nothing they can’t handle. After all, they'll see their cool aunt made it through, too.
Photo: Creatista
Published: April 26, 2017