Anxious Aunt-to-Be
My niece will be born any day now and I'm really nervous.
My
sister announced her pregnancy about a month after I had a really rough
abortion that I had a hard time coming to terms with and I didn't share
with anyone. This will be my mother's first grandchild and everyone is
thrilled, including me.
I admit that certain parts of her
pregnancy have been really hard for me. I coped by alternating between being super
supportive and taking some distance. Now we are going to welcome a
beautiful baby girl into the family and I'm a bit scared. I don't know
if I could handle the "you don't have a child" or "you are trying to be
her mom" comments and I don't want to step back so much so that it's
weird and I'm not in the baby's life as much as I should be.
I
love this baby girl so incredibly much already and I'm not sure how to
handle this. What would be expected of me when the baby is born? What
would be viewed as overstepping boundaries? Any advice?
[answer]
You
have been through a difficult loss (my condolences) and must first
spend some time mourning your abortion and what might have been. Perhaps
you could buy a plant or put a small stone in an existing one to
commemorate your decision. It is important so that you don’t bring your
unresolved feelings to the new niece and your sister. Keep in mind that
you have access to a warm community of aunts in the Closed Savvy Auntie Facebook Group who can offer you support and understanding.
There
is no recipe for aunthood so don’t go in search of the “right” way to
behave and feel. Each relationship has its own characteristics and you
will see how it unfolds as you meet your niece and she meets you. Try to
stay open to the true nature of your interactions.
You must
take your cues from your sister about how much involvement she would
like. Some new mothers want all the help they can get and others need to
prove they can do it all themselves. Keep in mind that these attitudes
change in a very short time; so be flexible.
Try to ignore the
family’s comments…”what about you?” They are expressions of their own
needs and desires and not a commentary about you to take personally.
I
suggest you think of a special gift for your niece that initiates the
special relationship you wish for… something handmade? A “lovey” she
sleeps with? Or a big cozy stuffed animal? Don’t forget a lovely gift
for your sister…she will appreciate your thoughtfulness.
I hope
this is helpful and allays your anxiety so that you can be more focused
on the present and have less negative anticipations.
Best of Luck,
Natalie Robinson Garfield
TheSenseConnection.wordpress.com
Photo: cookiestudio