Before Steve Jobs passed away, I learned he was adopted, like myself, and had developed a relationship with his biological sister and birthmother.

For me, being adopted is just another part of who I am, just like my blue eyes and sparkling wit. My nieces and nephews come from both sides of my family – my adoptive family and my birth-family, and one of my nephews is adopted, too.

Since I am adopted and searched for my birth-family, I am often asked for advice on how to conduct a search and how to manage these new relationships. So if you’re searching for yourself or helping your nieces and nephews conduct their own search, here are some ways to plan and organize it.

First, prepare yourself or your nieces and nephews. Why are you searching? Are you ready? Are you ready to find what you find? If you’re helping your nieces and nephews, are they mature enough to handle the complex emotions that may arise? Do their parents know they’re searching? Did you or your nieces and nephews have a form of open adoption – where the birth-family received letters and updates?

Abolish any fantasies you or your nieces or nephews may have. Unlike TV movies, the adoptee and birthmother are not going to run across a field of flowers toward each other in a wave of instant recognition. An adoption search really is one person contacting a total stranger who happens to have the same DNA. Both sides have had lives and stories, and sometimes painful ones.

When I found my birth-family, I went to a therapist to have someone neutral and objective to talk to about everything. We would have “debriefing” sessions before and after visits and phone calls. In those early days, I needed someone neutral because my friends and family would get so emotional (one friend would always start crying) about it all with me that it became difficult to talk to them.

Second, gather up all the information you have – adoption decrees, name of the adoption agency or lawyer, letters from the adoption agency, the stories you were told by your parents and relatives, etc. Talk to your parents and relatives. Some searches have ended within the confines of the family when adoptees discover an Aunt, older sister, or beloved family friend were actually their birthmothers, but most adoptions occur outside the family circle.

Thirdly, find out what the laws are in the state in which you were born. The best way to do this is to contact the adoption agency. Many adoption agencies will also give you what they call “non-identifying information” which includes hair color, eye color, religion, and other such details. Recently, I’ve heard how adoptees or birth and adoptive family members, armed with a possible name and non-identifying information, have found family members through genealogy websites, such as Ancestry.com.

When I was adopted in 1968, adoptions were closed and secret, and Oklahoma, where I was born, was a closed adoption state – meaning adoptees couldn’t have access to their original birth certificate. In the past 10 years or so, states have made it easier for adoptees and birth-family members to search.  If you live in an open adoption state, such as Texas where I live now, you can contact the agency, and the agency will help you contact your birth-family.

My 13-year search was helped considerably when Oklahoma changed their laws in 2000, and adoptees could contact the Department of Human Services (since then Oklahoma adoptees can contact the agency who handled the adoption). After paying a $400 search fee, the agency hired a searcher who was allowed access to my original birth certificate and Catholic Charities – the agency who handled my adoption, and the searcher found my birthmother a few months later. Ironically, I still can’t access my original birth certificate, only my amended one, and that’s the case for many other adoptees as well.

The last step is making contact. If you find your birth-family yourself, I don’t recommend showing up on the door step. Instead, send a letter (with delivery confirmation) and then follow up with a phone call. You can also ask a friend or family member such as your own Savvy Auntie to make contact for you.

If you ask a question, be prepared for the answer. If you don’t want to know, then don’t ask. Let me be blunt here. I was always surprised by adoptees who were my age or older who asked their birthmother if abortion had been legal in the Sixties, would they have had an abortion, and the answer would always upset them. I am not going to wade into an emotional, complex political argument here, but if you don’t want to know, then don’t ask.

Keep in mind that birthmothers were often scared, and the ones who found themselves pregnant in the Sixties and before that were filled with guilt and shame because that’s the way society was back then. Nowadays, adoption with its bevy of information and levels of openness creates a healthier environment for the adoptee and the birthmother because the guilt and shame are taken out of the equation.

Communicate with your family. During the search and initial contact with my birth-family, I kept my adoptive family in the loop. My oldest niece and nephew only asked if I was still going to be their aunt, and I assured them I wasn’t going anywhere.

Any relationship formed with the birth-family is up to the adoptee. My therapist explained to me that we all have our families of origins, the ones we were born or adopted into and our “families of destination” – which include the family members and friends we surround ourselves with. In our families of destination, we decide who we keep in our lives, no matter if we’re adopted or not.

My life has been enriched in ways I never dreamed of, and the size of my family has doubled. In addition to my birthparents, I gained a half-brother, a half-sister, an awesome sister-in-law, more aunts and uncles, and more importantly, two nephews and a niece.


Published: December 21, 2011