By Tara Cousineau, PhD

As a Savvy Auntie myself, I know it's a privilege to be that kind, generous, and fun-loving auntie who showers her nieces and nephews with all things good. What fun! For the most part, we don’t have the pressure of disciplining or being in a parenting role until it’s really necessary. The sacred auntie role allows for a special position in the family tree; as a mentor or an overseer in watching over these children as they grow up. One thing that Savvy Aunties can be mindful of is how to cultivate compassion among their nieces and nephews.

Compassion is the experience of connecting with another person's suffering in a way that shows empathy, not pity. It’s an understanding of another person’s feelings in a very authentic way. It’s knowing that at any point in life you could be in that person’s place. Helping others who are needy, donating clothes, helping those who may have disabilities, and volunteering with community drives and fundraisers are all important experiences in planting the seeds of compassion. In essence, it’s nurturing the golden rule. For the most part, it's rather easy to do.

What’s not as easy to do is learning how to be compassionate towards oneself. Dr. Kristin Neff studies the role of self-compassion and the benefits of self-kindness in relation to overall wellness and health. She describes three elements of self-compassion: mindfulness, common humanity and self-kindness.

Here are ways you can help your nieces and nephews learn to practice the three elements with you.

Mindfulness

Mindfulness is the practice of being aware and accepting in the present moment, without self-judgment. A simple strategy to help children learn to be mindful is to help them pay attention in the moment in fun ways.

- Take a Listening Walk. Whether it's in the woods or the city, start a conversation about the sights, sounds and smells. Observe them together and name them. Consider how the sensations make you feel. What ideas, memories or stories do they bring up?

- Savor Your Meal. We get so busy and develop some bad eating habits, like eating on the go or relying on fast food. We stop appreciating the food we eat or where it came from. You can make eating an ice-cream cone much more delicious by savoring the flavor, aroma and texture. Next time you take your niece or nephew out for a bite to eat, challenge them to eat as slow as possible and then describe all the sensations of food.

Common Humanity

Common humanity is the understanding that we are part of a larger world and that we all experience suffering, as well as joy. It’s a shared understanding that we have difficult or upsetting experiences as a part of living. It is essential for children to understand they are wholeheartedly connected to the communities in which they participate – their school, neighborhood, family, the cities and the world. They’re not alone.

- Cooperative Play. Basic ways to cultivate a sense of human connectedness is through engaged play, cooperation, learning give-and-take and taking perspective. Of course, another way is to engage in service projects together, whether it’s donating clothes or toys, collecting cans, volunteering at a soup kitchen or writing letters to soldiers in the military.

 - Go Natural. Another way to cultivate the sense of humanity is helping children feel connected to nature and our planet. We want our nieces and nephews to understand that they are stewards of the earth; to care for plants, water sources and animals. This can be easily achieved through nature walks, picking up trash, composting, conserving water when brushing teeth – simple things that help kids understand that everything they do has an impact.

Self-Kindness

Self-kindness is simply the practice of being caring toward oneself. It means showing the same tenderness toward yourself that you would give to a loved one. Self-compassion is helping children understand that when they are suffering, feeling badly or upset that they can care for themselves just like they would care for a good friend, parent or sibling in need. Sometimes it's helpful with children to think about a beloved pet, a favorite stuffed animal or their blankie (representing unconditional love and security); then sending those same warm tender feelings toward themselves.

- Show TLC. Sometimes the best way to role model self-kindness is to be kind to yourself when you've had a stressful experience or when something unexpected happens. A simple gesture of deep breathing, hands on your heart or a self-hug, are ways to show your nieces and nephews how to be tender toward oneself.  

- A Little Mantra. Saying a short phrase can also help, just like simple prayers:
“I am loved.”
“I am worthy or love and belonging.”
“May I be free of sadness.”
“May I feel safe, happy and cared for.”
“Right now, all is well and I am safe.”

Self-compassion can be part of an overall sensibility you begin to role model and it also fosters emotional intelligence and resilience. Some fun ways that can promote life skills is to engage in a dialogue with your nieces and nephews. Here are some simple conversation starters:

- Four W’s. One simple ritual that you can cultivate with your nieces and nephews is simply to ask, “What went well today and why?” See what their answers are. They may discover that some things go well because they helped somebody or that somebody helped them; they practiced or studied and it paid off; they experienced the value of teamwork; or used their imagination to create something new. Helping them talk through why things went well helps establish and reinforce positive habits.

- An Attitude of Gratitude. Similarly, you can ask your nieces and nephews what they are grateful for and why. This can be a ritual at mealtime, bedtime or at a fireside chat. You can also help them think if there is somebody out there in their small world (or even larger world, like a hero figure) that they’d like to thank, but haven't had a chance. Why not write that person a thank you note or send them a drawing?

Finally, here’s a question for every Savvy Auntie: How can you wholeheartedly demonstrate for your nieces and nephews the very attitudes and practices you hope they will embrace when they grow up?

And then do it!

Resources:
How self-compassionate are you?
Take the quiz at Dr. Kristin Neff's website.

Photo Martinan
Published: March 24, 2015