By Melanie Kwestel

When it comes to settling into school, October is just as important as September.

We all know the anticipation and dreaded “ifs” of those first days of school. Every child wonders if she will make friends, if the other children are going to be nice, if he can keep up with schoolwork and if homework will make an unbearable dent in those few free hours every night. By the time October comes, routines are worked out, most of the time for the better, but occasionally for the worse.

What’s a Savvy Auntie to do, especially if that favorite niece or nephew is ill or disabled and needs a little extra help?

Children who look different or who have medical needs that can interfere with classroom routines often need extra time – and consideration from their peers and teachers – to make friends. Savvy Aunties can work behind the scenes to help children build the confidence and self-esteem that will smooth the road.

1. Understand.

In general, children with chronic illnesses have a rougher time adjusting to school than healthy children. Illness disrupts normal activities. As a result, sick or disabled children may exhibit lower self-esteem and greater frustration. Additionally, the child’s age will affect how he or she views school, friendships, and activities.

2. Listen.

Your niece or nephew may communicate difficulties overtly or covertly. Sometimes, children are embarrassed to be the one left out of activities, or they may tell you what they think you want to hear. Teenagers who are at a point when they are individuating from their parents may confide in you and not their parents. (That puts Savvy Aunties and Uncles in a precarious position, because the last thing you want to do is break a confidence.) Other children may be only too willing to drown you in their difficulties – and then expect you to solve their problems.

3. Is the root academic?

Depending on the child’s illness and medications, some of the issues may be academic rather than social. Some treatments can make children “space out” in school or interfere with how they learn new materials. Academic challenges can have social repercussions, for example, children can be teased if they lose their place while reading or have difficulties following a teacher. If the cause is academic, parents can request accommodations and academic assistance. (Keep in mind that these also may impact how others treat the child, but not dealing with the academic issues will be worse.)

 4. Help the child find his or her special talents.

A child who requires a wheelchair or crutches is going to have a hard time playing basketball without adaptation. But perhaps your nephew has a wonderful voice and a talent for music. Or maybe your niece is an ace coder with a knack for developing apps. Or she’s a great writer with a wild imagination. Developing skills will enhance confidence and leadership abilities. Your niece may choose to blog about school activities. Your nephew can join the choir or even start a band. Eventually the other children may appreciate your niece or nephew’s gifts. Even if no one else does, your niece or nephew can find solace and comfort in the developing expertise.

 5. Practice the “how to’s” of social interactions.

Because ill children are surrounded by adult caregivers, they sometimes miss social cues when relating to peers. If that’s the case for your niece or nephew, help him or her see how other children handle social situations. Remember that social skills are learned. Practice together until your niece or nephew feels comfortable.

 6. Be there.

You’re not a substitute for peer friendships, but as a Savvy Auntie, you can be a very important person in your niece’s life. Make her feel special with your visits, phone calls, and messages. Each contact can have an impact on her confidence.

7. Separate what you can do from what you can’t.

As heartbreaking as it is when your niece or nephew is unhappy, you can’t go to school with them to make it all better. It’s not your place. Make it clear to the child that you’re not calling teachers, principals, or anyone else at school. You also can’t intervene with other children’s parents. Again, that’s the job of a parent. If your nephew (or niece) hasn’t told his or her parents, encourage the discussion. If he or she has, seek permission to talk to parents so everyone will be on the same page.

8. Work together with the child’s parents.

This goes without saying. Savvy Aunties know that children do best when adults are on the same path. Your job is to support the child but never undermine parents. You can disagree, but in the end, your role is to be a helper. For example, you may believe that your nephew’s parents need to take a more active role in contacting and working with the school. If his parents disagree, find another way to help.

Melanie Kwestel is a Savvy Auntie to 14 nieces and nephews and 23 great nieces and nephews. She is also the director of communications for Chai Lifeline, which provides social and emotional support for seriously ill children and their families.

Photo: Stoonn

Published: September 24, 2014