Currier and Ives, Christmas carols and holiday movies depict this time of year as magical, filled with family feasts and the celebration of long held traditions. And who doesn’t want to believe by simply being a good boy or girl, who avoids crying and pouting that all items on your Christmas list are guaranteed?  

I do! I do!

Oh, if it was that easy.

Grown Up Christmas Lists

As we Aunties mature, so do the things we include on our holiday lists and along with it our understanding that it takes more than hopping up on the lap of a Jolly old man in a red suit to make our dreams come true.  As I write this column I am reminded of one of my favorite Christmas Carols, My Grown Up Christmas List.  It lyrically lists what most of us start to hope for as we grow up. “No more lives torn apart, that wars would never start and time would heal are hearts. Everyone would have a friend…and love would never end.”

Love would never end. How wonderful would that be?

For many of us we don’t discover the harsh reality that life is limited until we are older. Sadly though, for some children, they learn this entirely too early in their little lives and need help navigating the holiday season when someone they love is missing.

As Promised

Emily was one of those children who was not spared that lesson early on and as promised; I want to share how she and her family got through their first holiday season without her father. One evening after homework and baths her family sat and shared ideas along with a few tears. “What do you guys want to do this year?” her Mom posed.  “I know traditionally we prepare the Feast of the Seven Fishes and Daddy cooked the crabs. It sure won’t be the same without Daddy and I know we all are very sad.” Emily jumped up to snuggle next to her Mom on the sofa.  “Some families decide to do something a little differently for the holidays because well, things are different.”  

After a lively discussion, collectively the family decided to continue their tradition but add a twist. The kids wanted to make special ornaments shaped like crabs to remember their Daddy and wait to hang them on the tree until Christmas Eve when their extended family would be with them.

Routine breeds safety and comfort but changing things up just a bit is one way families successfully find the way their way through the holidays when a loved one is missing. What Emily and her family decided to do honored both the absence of their father and their tradition.

Four Tips

Here are some other ideas your family might want to consider as a way to honor the memory of loved ones:

Add an item to the menu and make your loved one’s favorite dish, even if it is a departure from the typical holiday feast. Get the kids to pitch in the preparation. It can be a perfect outlet for their feelings.

Make a recipe your love one is famous for.

Leave a spot open at the table with a picture and a candle lit in your loved one’s memory.  

Charity begins at home. Make a donation to your love one’s favorite cause.  

The most important thing to remember is that each family member will grieve differently. Make space for each person’s needs in a spirit of compassion and understanding. When a loved one is missing it is tough all year ‘round but the holiday season brings a certain sense of nostalgia absent most other times of the year.

Be kind to one another and know that you can and will get through it. Reach out for support from one another and if need be seek guidance from a local hospice or support center.

Blessings to you, Aunties, and your families this holiday season and may you feel the love of all your family members both living and deceased.

Hugs and kisses ‘til next time.