Guilt is something that we’re all familiar with; and lately, I’ve been feeling guiltier than ever before.

Example: As mentioned in previous posts, I live half the year in Madrid and chats with my family are done over SKYPE. The other week my sister and her husband brought little miss Margaloo to my parents' house. I had e-mailed my father letting him know when would be a good time for us to video chat so I could see and talk with everyone. He said, “Call now.” I called and spoke with my mother then my father. Then I asked if I could talk with my sister and little miss Margo. My sister appeared on the screen. “I have a child, Cynthia, not everything can be on your time schedule.” This hit me hard. I wished everyone a good day and quickly hung up the phone.

Guilt.

I sat on my bed and thought if the comment was warranted or not. Do I only talk with my family when it’s convenient for me? Have I been ignoring my sister’s feelings since I’ve been away? These questions and more popped into my head.

“I’m sorry,” my sister said to me over e-mail later that day. “I was overwhelmed, there was a lot going on and it was one more added stress. I didn’t mean to take it out on you.”

Recently that’s how things have been going. The cycle runs this way, and for some reason my sister takes her frustration out on me. Not once has my sister said, “you just don’t understand what it’s like.” But in a way I feel like she’s punishing me because of this exact reason. 

“We’re all sick.” My sister said to me over the phone the other day. “Margo woke up with snot crusted on her nose, and little baby coughs. We have a doctor’s appointment in an hour. It’s her first cold, poor little Margaloo.”

“And you?” I asked. “How are you feeling? Going to go the doctor also?”

 “I just need to sleep, but I can’t. I’m at work all day, then when I get home I have to take care of Margo because Joel is at class.”

“Call in sick. Then go home and sleep while Joel takes care of her during the day.”

“I can’t do that.”

“Why not?”
  
“Because if I’m there I’m extra hands and need to help.”
   
“So then go to a hotel and sleep for a couple hours.”
  
“Right.” She said. “I can’t do that.”

Guilt.

Maybe other moms would’ve taken my advice, I don’t know, but I’m finding it difficult to do or say anything because everything comes back to the same point: Cynthia, you don’t know what it’s like to have a child.

I’ve expressed to my sister how her reactions make me feel; however, her response is the same. “I’m sorry, I’m just stressed and overwhelmed.” From the first time I said something to now, her reaction has yet to change. Will it ever? I know that my sister is adjusting to her new role as a mother, and I can only imagine how overwhelming it may feel, but will this cycle of guilt only end once I have a child and know what it’s like?

The Indian independence activist and Prime Minister of India from 1977-79, Moraji Desai once said, “Life at any time can become difficult. Life at any time can become easy. It all depends upon how one adjusts oneself to life.”  I’ve thought a lot about this quote lately, as it’s a philosophy I truly believe. In life the only person you can change is yourself, and as much as I would like my sister’s reaction to me to be different, I can’t make that happen. All I can do is adjust myself to the situation, accept that I don’t know what it’s like to have a child and understand that what I say may be rejected because of it. Maybe if I live by this rule the guilt will disappear…

What do you think?