By Katelyn Fry

"No one understands me.” “I’m not a little kid anymore!” "Stop telling me what to do!"

Do these lines ring any bells?

It’s safe to say that most of us are guilty of making statements like these at some point in our lives. There was a day for many of us when we woke up and suddenly our parents were the "lamest people on the planet" and talking back became our new favorite hobby. Perhaps these phrases have started to appear again, but this time, it’s your turn to be on the receiving end, and your niece or nephew is doing the talking.

Your now tween and teen nieces and nephews have relied on their parents, their Savvy Aunties, and uncles, grandparents, and other adults in their lives to function. Adolescence is the time to show grownups they are no longer “needed.” They are attempting to “transform themselves into real, separate individuals with minds of their own.” It is now their mission to prove this.

What to Expect and What to Do

Your niece or nephew can begin expressing that newfound individualism in a number of ways.

Maybe they’ve developed a habit of talking back, or chose to express their individuality in the way they look, insisting on blue hair and a Mohawk, and maybe even a tongue ring. Perhaps they’re showing interest in new friends, new music, and new hobbies, all of which could change according to the day. It's hard to keep up! How in the world do you handle this?

If your adolescent niece or nephew:

... has grown increasingly non-communicative, don’t take it personally. Their one-word answer or eye roll is their way of telling the primary adults in their life, “You do not occupy the prime position you once did.”

“The first thing to do," offers childmind.org, "is take a breath and understand that pulling away…is not only normal but a necessary developmental stage in adolescence” In this scenario, it is very important that you avoid lecturing them or telling them that you’re hurt, and instead, engage in activities you both enjoy, make sure that you open up to them about your own life which would encourage them to do the same, and always talk to them like an adult, reassuring them that you value their words and opinions and expect the same in return.

... is interested in drastically changing their appearance, try and find out why. Teens use fashion as a means to “define themselves, make statements about their choice of peer group, and to establish their psychological identities. For some, the right outfit can serve as a conduit to the popular clique - for others, clothing choice allows them to fly under the radar."

If your niece tells you she wants her belly button pierced, or your nephew starts wearing jeans and t-shirts that are entirely too big from him, be sure not to pass any judgment. Instead, ask them exactly what they like about that style and why they want it. One likely possibility is simply that their friends are doing it, and following suit would yield “the affirmation and approval of others to bolster self esteem." Or, on the other hand, maybe your niece or nephew is actually the trendsetter themselves. Whatever their motivation may be, your support is much appreciated (whether they show it or not).

... is engaging in risky behaviors, such as alcohol and drug abuse, this can be attributed to two main factors: peer pressure and self-esteem. A study conducted by Dr. Marc Zimmerman of the University of Michigan found that “teenagers with low self-esteem have more of a tolerance for deviant behavior associated with teen rebellion.” The study also showed that “students who don’t drink and have high self-esteem develop skills to cope with the pressures of adolescence, and that many of these skills are gained through strong family support."

You can best provide that support by talking to your niece or nephew early on. Make very clear to them the dangers that come with using these substances. Remove the stigma attached to this subject – confidently initiate the conversation and let them know they can talk to you about anything, without judgment, interruptions or lectures. Lay down your expectations and values, for “youngsters are less likely to drink when they know that parents and other important adults in their lives have strong feelings about it.” Control your emotions throughout the conversation, and ask about their friends and social life so as to acquire a better perspective of your niece’s or nephew’s world. 

... is deliberately skipping/doing poorly in school, the most common reason behind this is  that students simply “don’t think skipping school will affect their future,” according to a  2012 survey conducted by Getschooled.com. Not to mention, cutting class is a prime example of non-conformity and blatantly defying what you know to be right - rebellion at its finest. The students who participated in this study also said that “encouragement from anyone to whom they felt a personal connection, from teachers to coaches to celebrities could influence better attendance.”

Enter: Savvy Aunties!

Some ConfidAunts may be a niece’s or nephew’s refuge - someone they respect, but simultaneously, someone with significantly less pressure attached than their parents. As Savvy Auntie founder, Melanie Notkin, states: We’re not their mom. We’re not their friend. We’re their aunt, the perfect blend.

Maybe your sister has called you and vented about your niece’s behavior lately. Suggest a sleepover or a weekend together with your niece. The majority of the time, all young adults want is to be heard. They have a newly discovered voice and they want to use it. Ask them what’s going on in their lives, why they’ve acted the way they have and then explain why treating their parents that way was wrong and how they only want to be supportive, just like you.

Reassure your nieces and nephews that they can talk to you about anything. Maybe tell them some of your own stories of rebellion from when you were their age to help them open up. The more comfortable they feel, the more honest they’ll be, and in turn, less inclined to lie or let their rebellious ways escalate.

Photo: XiXinXing
Published: September 28, 2016