Special Guest Post: Dr. Tara Cousineau is a clinical psychologist, mother, and Aunt. She is founder of BodiMojo.com for teenagers, a health engagement platform for teens leveraging web and mobile technologies to inspire healthy living. Soon parents and mentors can subscribe to BodiMojo’s HAP*Y Pact reward program for teens. The use of BodiMojo.com by teen girls has shown to have a significant effect on improving girls’ attitudes about their own body image. Tara also blogs at BodiMojo.com/blog and TeensInBalance.com.

He was sitting on the floor against his school locker, ear buds in, looking forlorn, lost. This is the image I received via text of my 13-year-old nephew.

A bad grade? A lost ball game? No.His girlfriend, Lily, broke up with him. Yeah, that can happen at the end of 7th grade, before a summer begins. One of his buddies caught the moment-after-rejection on his cell phone camera. His mother, thinking the image nostalgically sweet, sent the photo to me. For the time being it’s the photo I use in my mobile contacts for him.

There was another breakup recently. This time it was between 18-year-olds in a sleepy, New England town. The young couple had been dating throughout high school; one report said since they were 13. Senior year came along and they broke up. She was excited to go away to college in the South, had a job at the local mall, and planned to go into fashion. He was a football player and also off to college in the fall, though not as far away. He became angry and moody. Their friends weren’t sure why he was withdrawing. One fateful evening this summer the girl agreed to meet him to talk about it. Tragically, the evening ended in her murder. 

The case of Lauren Astley and Nathanial Fujita is considered a case of teen dating violence. There was no reported or observed history of prior abuse, which is highly unusual.  Lauren’s death was chilling in its brutality. The case will likely bring about a call for school prevention efforts around teen dating violence. Often, trouble in teen relationships remains secret. Teens may not know when certain behaviors cross a line. They may not be aware their identities are crystallizing around the relationship. They may not know how to cope with rejection.

Aunties, stand to attention! You have a wonderful opportunity to connect with your teen nieces and nephews about the dating scene, in a way their parents can’t. Teens often don’t want to confide in their parents about anything, least of all issues around dating or sex. Nor do they want to be judged or criticized about their choices in dating partners. It’s a sensitive time. Yet, many grown-ups don’t have too many resources to discuss the topic of teen dating violence, or they aren’t aware about some important initiatives.

Here are some ways to bring up the subject of teen dating:

Movies: There is plenty to talk about when it comes to teen dating even if the material is fictional and revolves around witches, werewolves or vampires. You can easily strike up a chat: What would you give up to stay in a relationship? How do you know when a dating partner is getting controlling? Have you ever had that experience?

Music: How many songs are out there about lost love, unrequited love, bad love; of losing self or being strong, of needing or not needing love? There are tons of lines out there to discuss over a frozen latte. (If you’re lacking inspiration try Taylor Swift’s “Fifteen”— ''Cause when you’re 15 and somebody tells you they love you, you’re gonna believe them.’)

News Stories: Unfortunately, news stories abound of tragic cases like Lauren and Nathanial, or of sports stars and celebs cheating on their partners or being abusive. According to one report, one of every three teens knows of a friend who has been physically hurt or hit by their partner. A topic of conversation with the teen in your life can be fairly neutral at first: Who are good role models for healthy relationships and who aren’t? What do you think makes for a healthy relationship?  What have your noticed among your friends?

For more information, check out the teen dating resources below:

MTV’s A Thin Line– This is an excellent resource by a major media outlet with celebs like Justin Bieber to encourage teens take action against digital dating abuse. Although the media is a culprit in perpetuating negative roles models, MTV is using its mega influence to spread awareness and education. The site has videos and quizzes on digital drama, the signs of digital abuse, and what to do about it.

Love is Not Abuse– For more than 10 years, this initiative by Liz Clairborne, has centered on domestic violence prevention with a focus on youth. The website offers quizzes and resources on “warning signs.” It’s a resource every Savvy Auntie should check out.

StartStrong.org– This new initiative by the Robert Wood Johnson Foundation is geared to younger teens ages 11-14, via community and school outreach. The mission is to help teens gain the skills to support the creation of safe and respectful youth relationships as early as possible. Eleven US cities are pioneering the prevention programming.

Bottom line: Stay connected to the teen in your life.  There’s never lack of teen issues to talk about!

Tara Cousineau, PhD, is the founder of BodiMojo.com for teenagers.

Published: August 10, 2011