By Libby Koultourides

Have you ever worried about your nephew after he didn't make the school basketball team or suffered another disappointment but had no idea how to have a conversation about his emotions? Or perhaps you tried to ask him how he felt, but hit a brick wall when he stated that he was fine and ended the conversation? I have two nephews and I know I have often wondered how to access how they are feeling. On the other hand, I can ask my nieces how they feel, and end up listening for an hour while they share their thoughts and feelings about a variety of topics.

I recently began reading an excellent book titled Raising Cain by Dan Kindlon, Ph.D. and Michael Thompson, Ph.D (Ballantine Books, 2000). Both are psychologists who work with boys, and the book has amazing insights from their experiences. The chapters break down myths about the role of testosterone in male aggression and the idea that "boys will be boys" and don't have the need to process emotions. The book ends with seven tips for drawing out the rich emotional lives of the boys in your life, while fully appreciating the differences between girls and boys.

A few tips resonated with me and I've tried them already with my nephews. I highly recommend reading the entire book, but here are a few ideas of how you can begin to interact with your nephews in a way that helps them develop and share their emotions:

1. Help boys access their emotions in creative ways in conversation to help them develop an emotional vocabulary and understand themselves better.
For example, instead of asking my 11-year-old nephew how he feels about his soccer game, I instead ask him how he thinks he did on a scale of 1 to 10 (1 being the lowest and 10 being the highest). When he responds with a number, that starts a conversation about why he thinks they played well or not, and how he feels about this. This allows for an easy conversation without the directness of a question like: "Are you really disappointed about losing the game?"

2. Use boys as consultants and problem solvers.
Boys like to be perceived as strong, so play to their strengths and enlist their help, while listening for their thoughts and feelings. My 16-year-old nephew is a great runner, so I asked him recently about his training schedule and how he is able to run so far, what he eats before and after a run, and how much water one should drink when exercising. During the conversation, I gained information about exercise for myself, but was also able to hear about his happiness with his accomplishments and how he overcomes obstacles as well.

3. Help boys understand the importance of emotional courage and resilience through real life examples.
My husband was a widower before we met and lost his wife to breast cancer at a young age. About a year ago, my oldest nephew was having a really tough time at home and school. One night, when he was at my house, I told him about my husband's grief and how he was able to overcome it through counseling and support, and my nephew seemed strengthened and comforted by the knowledge of his uncle's resilience and strength in the midst of deep distress.

Whether your nephew is 5 or 25, he has a deep inner life, and he may wish to share it with you someday. Begin to look for opportunities to support his emotional growth, and you will both be richer for the experience.

Photo: Ambro
Published: March 19, 2013