Dr. Tara Cousineau is a clinical psychologist, mother, and Aunt. She is founder of BodiMojo.com for teenagers, a health engagement platform for teens leveraging web and mobile technologies to inspire healthy living. The use of BodiMojo.com by teen girls has shown to have a significant effect on improving girls’ attitudes about their own body image. Tara also blogs at BodiMojo.com/blog and TeensInBalance.com.

It’s cool to be cruel.

This is one of the cultural values today’s tweens and teens are absorbing. Sad but true. As such, this is a call to action for Aunties of tweens and teens. Time to tune in.

One may have missed the national news about the rape case in Steubenville, Ohio, involving the teen football players taking advantage of a drunken 16-year-old girl who was passed out and passed around from party to party. The girl was oblivious to – and horrified when – photos and comments appeared on her social networks. Eventually, the teen boys were convicted and sentenced to juvenile court. It is a tough story on many levels. What’s even tougher is that it’s not the only story in recent past among teenagers, a few of which have ended in teen suicide.

It’s really easy to want to tune-out because when bad things happen to kids and when kids do mean things to each other – and a tragedy ensues, we want to shoo it away. It’s a natural aversion to violence. Images come to mind or we see the pictures in the news that cause disgust, grief and pain. It may even trigger something from one’s adolescence.

Yet, these types of stories are also a teachable moments. Yes, for Savvy Aunties who are attuned to their nieces and nephews and tuned in to the online world, here’s a new part of your job: Be an empathic guide for your darlings – offline and online.

Tragic teen stories only occasionally reach the radar screens of today’s kids. They’re too busy with the news feeds on their social networks to have any notion of what’s going on in the world at large. They only care about what their friends are doing, if they fit in, and which picture to post next. Not so ironically, it’s within these micro social worlds where the bullying and disrespect can take off in a millisecond.

Parents are largely clueless. Or they think they’ve got the digital thing covered. It’s well-intentioned, parental naiveté. You, dear Aunties, are in a perfect position to be the cool relative to be connected to your nieces and nephews. (Yes, you may need to sign up to Snapchat or Instagram or Tumblr, too.)

This isn’t about being intrusive; it’s about being inquisitive about their world. It’s helping the kids learn to be curious, respectful, and skillful in noticing media messages. It’s also about understanding youth culture, especially when it comes to how girls and boys are portrayed, the discourse on the popular TV shows (i.e., sarcasm, meanness and humiliation), and identifying the images that represent what’s attractive and powerful today. It is well researched that the idealized standard for female beauty or male masculinity is more insidious than ever. To understand the consequences, one only needs to look at the rising rates of mental health issues in the USA, including eating disorders, stress, and depression. According to Catherine Steiner-Adair, PhD, an esteemed researcher and educator who speaks with kids around the nation, the top three cultural values for our children are:

-Presentation
-Objectification
-Instant gratification

Today, the goal of “being famous” is more important than being productive, generous or industrious. Having the right “package” wins votes on talent shows. How many ‘likes’ or ‘follows’ supersedes any experience of intrinsic self-worth and mutual regard. According to Steiner-Adair, the three most pernicious cultural memes for girls today are: mean girls, slut chic, and ana chic (as in pro-anorexic). Many boys have been exposed to online pornography, accidentally or deliberately.

Tweens and teens need better role models; they need understanding and caring people in their lives who question and counter these problematic messages. It can be done, in small doses, consistently, while they grow up.

Here are five strategies to connect:

1. Pay attention.
Really pay attention to what's going on in your niece’s or nephew’s world. Show interest and be inquisitive.  This matters even if you don’t get any acknowledgment from them. They’ll know you care.

2. Chat it up about the latest cool thing on TV, in the movies, and online.
Hang with them when they watch whenever you can. Teach them about the roles of ads. (What are they trying to sell? How are they getting you to want to buy? How does the ad make you feel?) Then, when it's developmentally appropriate (4th grade and up), constructively analyze how girls and boys are being portrayed in the media or in ads, and what he or she thinks and feels about it, and how one can counteract the messages. This is media literacy and it’s not a main subject in schools.

3. Be part of family rule setting for media use and texting.
You can demonstrate the appropriate use of technology for your nieces and nephews. Like…don't drive and use your cell phone or text. It's confusing to kids when you lecture about safety and you casually use your cell phone with them in the car.

Turn off media when you join them for dinner. Shut down media early in the evening so the brain and body can relax. Avoid use of technology on family get-together, too.

4. Talk about the tough issues that may make you uncomfortable.
Here's where you have strategy sessions with your brother or sister. You can be a much needed go-to person on things the kids do not ever want to talk about with their own parents. Like...sex, hooking up, drugs and alcohol, and the effects of substances on the teen brain. Lot’s of cool organizations offer have scripts and toolkits on how to initiate a conversation.

Friends are more important to teens than anyone else, so talk about that, too. Friends can be like a drug stimulant to a teenager and that’s why they do risky things with friends. It’s a social high. Talk to them about the meaning of intimacy, friendship, and leadership. (“Why is it so cool to be cruel these days? Where does that come from? Have you experienced that in your school?”)

Don't know when to bring it up?

Find the quiet moment, like when you are driving or sitting around watching a show. You’re building a foundation for conversation – and by being open and non-judgmental, you’ve set forth the values of openness, thoughtfulness, appropriate behavior, and respect.

5. Be a role model.
What you do is more important than what you say. Uphold your core values. Be brave. Walk the talk.

It’s as simple as that.

Resources:
There is a teachable moment every day – from stories of the schoolyard to the media they consume.

-Catherine Steiner-Adair (Her new book comes out Aug 2013, The Big Disconnect: Protecting Childhood and Family and Relationships in the Digital Age.)

-Miss Representation

-Spark Movement

-Common Sense Media

-Drugfree.org

A version of this post was originally published on Dr. Tara Cousineau’s blog (blog.taracousineau.com).

Photo: stockimages
Published: April 16, 2013