It’s that time of year when Savvy Aunties everywhere are scurrying around for the holiday season. Planning. Shopping. Cooking. It’s a festive time for many, and of course, the gift giving is the fun part. Whether in person or on Skype, the delight on the faces of your nieces and nephews is a wonder to behold.

But it can be exhausting, right?

The longest days of the year are upon us and just as well. The running around, noise and bright lights can take a toll just when Mother Nature is saying, “Hey! Slow down.” Our bodies and minds need to rest, reflect and restore. It is time to cozy up with a good book and soft blanket. But wait! Then there is New Year’s Eve – often the pinnacle of celebration, a clear marker on the calendar, and a call for new resolutions. More energy please!

We just need to slow down. Take a break. Show ourselves the same love, kindness and compassion we’ve just bestowed on others all season long.

What, you ask? Self-compassion? Me be kind to me?

Feels a bit indulgent to think about, doesn’t it?  Yet, self-compassion is anything but indulgent. It’s necessary. Turning toward oneself and treating “me” as gently and kindly as we naturally would to a friend or a niece or nephew in need is not something women do very often. We girls are raised by families and indoctrinated by culture to care for others – whether it is extended family, friends or co-workers. There’s also that maternal instinct, hardwired, to nurture others, to take on burdens, and to want to make things better.

What Is Self-Compassion?

Compassion is derived from the root word passion, which means to suffer. Compassion means to direct empathy toward another being. It is not pity. Compassion means recognizing the humanness of suffering and wanting to help ease it in some way. Self-compassion simply means to direct compassion inward. Pema Chödrön, the well-known Buddhist nun and spiritual teacher says:  “The root of compassion is compassion for the self.”

It begins with you, darling.

Self-Compassion Is Good for You

The research is now unequivocal that self-compassion is important to wellbeing. Self-compassion is related to positive states like happiness, life satisfaction, making healthy choices, and feeling connected to others. Not being kind and loving toward your inner self can lead to distress. How?

When we are hard on ourselves – beyond an optimal level of stress – we are creating a state of wear and tear. Our bodies are in a constant state of high stress, which can lead to depression, irritability, and fatigue. Self-compassion, however, taps into the body’s self-soothing system. It fosters nurturing and inner calm. Instead of activating stress hormones, being kind and self-compassionate releases the feel-good hormones, like oxytocin.

And here’s the thing: research repeatedly confirms that people who are self-compassionate are less likely to be depressed, anxious or ill. They tend to be optimistic, playful, and authentic about their strengths and weaknesses. Self-compassionate people withhold self-judgment. Kristin Neff, PhD, a pioneer in the study of self-compassion says there are three elements to self-compassion: self-kindness, sharing a common humanity (feeling connected to people), and mindfulness or focused awareness on our internal states.

So, dear Auntie, the best gift you can give yourself this holiday season (or to make an unusual resolution) is to treat yourself every single day with the same love you give to your nieces and nephews.  

Yes, that’s right: Care for your inner child. She sure is cute!

Resources

Take Dr. Neff’s online self-compassion quiz to see where you fall in the three areas of self-compassion.

Download Dr. Tara’s Self-Compassion Kit. It includes a PDF guide on self-compassion, a cheat sheet to remind yourself how to practice it, and three downloadable mini-meditations to take with you any time you catch a break!

Dr. Tara Cousineau is a clinical psychologist, mother, and Aunt. She is founder of BodiMojo.com for teenagers, a health engagement platform for teens leveraging web and mobile technologies to inspire healthy living. The use of BodiMojo.com by teen girls has shown to have a significant effect on improving girls’ attitudes about their own body image. Tara also blogs at BodiMojo.com/blog and TeensInBalance.com.

Published: December 24, 2013