By Caron Levis

Sometimes, when a kid is feeling blue, the person they need is their aunt! As a teacher, cousin, and “aunt” to my friends’ young children, I’ve found myself acting as the confidAunt for many a sniffling kid and called upon to counsel on matters ranging from invisible boo-boos and lost stuffed monkeys to trouble in school, divorcing parents, friendships gone awry, or sadness without a source. In fact, a conversation with a 5-year-old student with the blues led me to write the picture book, Stuck with the Blooz, about how a child manages a visit from a blobby blue creature, in an old-timey romper, called the Blooz. Through trial and error, the child finds a way to transform her sadness and brighten the day.

When I spoke with the student, I wasn’t the parent or head teacher—I was a part-time assistant. In effect, I was the “aunt” of the classroom. I wasn’t in charge, wasn’t there all the time, and had extra time to talk. As one child put it, “You’re not a parent, and you’re not a teacher, and you’re not a kid… Are you a teenager?” No, I wasn’t a teenager (extra cookie for that kid!). I was a trusted parent-approved adult who cared deeply about the kids I was with, and my “aunt” status allowed them to open up to me in a special way.

Together, the student and I investigated her sadness by asking questions, such as “Am I hungry? Am I homesick? Am I hurt? Where do I feel the sad? What shape is it? Wet or dry? Fuzzy or sharp?” We talked about things that are hard to do when you’re sad—“walking down the stairs”—and what things are good to do when you’re sad—“paint.” As we sat there sharing, the realization that sadness is natural, impermanent, and something that happens to everybody helped lighten our legs enough to walk down the stairs, so we could find some paints.

Now when I visit schools to read Stuck with the Blooz, I have a version of that same conversation with larger groups of kids. We brainstorm self-awareness and management tools, and I am always picking up new ideas from teachers, caregivers, and most of all the kids themselves—“When I feel blue, I put on my cowboy suit.” Below are some strategies I’ve used successfully, which you can try the next time you are with a niece or nephew who is feeling blue or anytime you just want to give a child the gift of emotional awareness.

Get Cozy

Use pillows and soft chairs. If you are in a crowded or noisy place, you can create an atmosphere of warmth and support by finding a corner, keeping your focus on the child, and your cell phone off and away.

Listen Actively

Be sure you are fully facing them. They may or may not be able to look directly at you and that’s okay, but they should know that full eye contact and a hug are ready if and whenever they want it. Listen to both words and body language.

Be Patient

If they need to cry, or pout, or yell for a few moments, let them. Show them that you will be there for them no matter what. Let them go first. If it’s quiet for a while, that’s okay. Speak when it feels right.

Name the Feeling

Very young children may need help learning the vocabulary. Don’t be afraid to say it out loud. They are feeling it and they deserve to know it has a name.

Validate All Their Feelings, Ideas, and Questions

Say “Yes.” Nod. Repeat what they’ve said out loud. The child is the expert on what they are feeling. There is no right or wrong in this conversation.

Reassure Them

Help them realize that they are in good company, that everybody in the world feels sad sometimes—even you!

Help Kids Describe Their Sadness

Ask them specific questions: “What does your sad look like? What shape is it? Size? Color? Texture?” Write down the answers and/or ask the child to draw what their blues look like. Ask them to name their blues (e.g., the “Lost-My-Stuffed-Bunny Blues” or the “Squiggly Blues” or “Sherbert”—anything goes!).

Investigate

Together, ponder reasons why the child might be feeling sad. It’s okay if you don’t figure it out.

Brainstorm Strategies

Together, think about activities that are good to do when you feel blue. Write these down. Draw them. Make a list! (Grab free sheets from www.caronlevis.com.)

Take Action!

Do one of the ideas you came up with. Draw or act out the ones you can’t do right now.

Encourage

Motivate the child to keep talking about their feelings to you, their parents, teachers, and friends.

Prepare for the Future

Put your activity list in a place where it’ll be handy next time it’s needed. Consider giving your niece or nephew a special notebook where they can write or draw about their feelings whenever they want—or an SASE so they can mail you a note next time they’re blue.

Relay Information to the Child’s Parents

Let the parents know that you and their child had a chat about feeling blue. If something came up they should know, tell them. Offer yourself as a future resource. Share with them which tactics resonated with their child so they can try them, too. You can maintain a child’s confidentiality while keeping parents in the loop. (With older kids, I usually let them know that while our conversation is private, if there’s something I feel their parents should know in order to keep them safe or help them, I will share that. This way you make a promise you can keep.)

Advise

Inform parents that they should talk to a doctor if you suspect a child may be suffering from depression.

It is okay if the child does not feel better right away. Just having you there will be providing a sense of comfort and hope. As an aunt, you have a special opportunity to help lift a kid when they’re down. Your particular experiences or sensibilities might be just what the child needs, and your fresh eyes and energy might be just what they parents need! It truly does take a village.

Caron Levis’s picture book, Stuck with the Blooz (Houghton Mifflin Harcourt 2012), was listed as one of Bankstreet College’s Best Children’s Books of the Year. She teaches social/emotional, communication, and literacy skills through creative writing and drama to kids of all ages. She is the advisor and adjunct faculty for the New School University’s MFA Creative Writing for Children MFA program where she earned her degree. You can find free activity sheets and more information at http://www.caronlevis.com.

Orginaly published: October 15, 2013