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Dear Savvy Auntie,

I am a 40 year old single woman, and auntie to two darling nieces, 8 and 10. At this point, I am seriously considering having a baby on my own. But my sister-in-law is acting all judgmental, going to the point of telling me it’s “unethical” because the child won’t have a father. Well, I mean, true, he or she won’t have a father the minute it’s born, but I still have hopes of getting married one day. I am just afraid that my child will be considered like a bastard child or something. My parents are too old-fashioned to feel comfortable with the whole thing too. The thing is, if I don’t have my family behind, I’m afraid to go through with it. What do I do?

Baby on My Own

Dear Baby on My Own,

You are in the forefront of a new movement! The idea that a woman could have a baby on her own is very twenty-first century. Many women who are in the same boat have formed support groups with friends and like-minded women. Start looking around for supportive women, and men too, who will be there for you. Once you become pregnant your family will soften and once the baby is born their conservative views will probably disappear. There are many networks of women including, gay and lesbian, who are finding alternatives to one mommy and one daddy lifestyles.

Natalie Robinson Garfield

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4 Comments

BeezKneez said at 11:35 pm on Jun 10 2012

Oh, and yes, you could have a special needs child, or you could get burnt out very fast doing it on your own, as my grandmother has so pointed out to me on more than one occassion. So instead you would either have 2 burnt out, ARGUING parents, one of which who doesn't really help anyway, can't nurse your child, and most likely will go back to work within a few weeks, and won't even try to help you at night due to work.. so you'll be left to your own defenses anyway. Once again, my suggestion is to do it. Find a good reproductive endocrinologist, make sure everything is still in working condition, and start shopping for your "baby daddy" *which coincidentally gives you MORE control over your child having potential issues* and go forward. However, I speak from experience, make sure you're ready for the roller coaster of emotions, and seek out a good therapist when you think you need it.
BeezKneez said at 11:27 pm on Jun 10 2012

Do it. I'm doing it myself, and I have thought long and hard about it. Foster children could be a heartache waiting to happen, especially for women like us who love children and want a family of their own REGARDLESS OF A MAN BEING THERE OR NOT. One day they can be there, and the next they're gone.. I would foster children, but that wouldn't stop me from having my own. You have a stable career and life, you've waited a long time, and you don't "need" a man. A strong woman doesn't need a man to help her with anything. As far as what SSMCINTIRE said, she did give you the worst advice.
twinling said at 4:14 pm on May 23 2012

Excuse me! If you're 40. Have a stable job. Good support network. Extra love. Can support yourself and your (future) child ... why shouldn't you have a baby? I did. And I'll never ever ever regret the decision. I am an aunt to 6. Was a foster parent to two. And decided that for me, the right decision was to have a baby on my own. And I now have a beautiful little girl who brightens my life every single day. If, some day, I meet someone, great. But I didn't want to add the burden of a ticking clock to the equation when meeting someone new. Nor, as a child of divorce, am I playing roulette that the decision was the right one and subjecting her to that chaos... Now, if Mr. Right doesn't come along... I've not given up my dream to be a mom. It's not the same as being an aunt. Trust me. Both are great roles. But also very different roles. Good luck!!
ssmcintire said at 4:46 pm on Jul 10 2008

Please feel free to disregard this because it is just my opinion, but I don't think there could be worse advise than this. I think it is a very selfish point of view to have a child just because you want one without having a father in the picture. It is understandable that sometimes, even 50% of the time that marriages fall apart, but to willingly put a child in that position ahead of time is not fair to the child no matter what the rest of the family thinks. I can say that as a daughter of a mother who had told me she had me just because she wanted to experience being a mother even though she knew her marriage was falling apart. I went through three fathers, the last being the worst and because I didn't want my mother to be unhappy, I told her to do whatever made her happy and that soon I'd be going to college anyway. Fast forward to my being a mother...My child has an excellent father but sadly misses him tremendously when he is gone for military work but at least she has a father she can count on and he's a huge influence in her life. As it turns out, she has special needs and really benefits from two parents. In addition, there are sooo many foster children that need foster families. My advice would be that it's natural to feel that pang of missing out on being a mom. However, consider this, if you really feel a hole in your heart and want to love a child, I'd recommend going the foster child route. We have thousands of children who want and need your love who don't have a stable home and crave someone who can fill that void. Many times these children can and want to be adopted. I can't think of a better "auntie role" that could lead into motherhood...plus it's a proven fact that helping others not only helps others but helps you too.

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