Dear Savvy Auntie,

My twin sister has a 4-year-old boy and over the past few years I've asked her about more kids. She has always said she was waiting until he was in Kindergarten to start trying again.

Well, I found out about a month ago that she has actually been trying to have another child for three years now. She’s had three miscarriages and had to have DNC's with two of them. She has also tried IUI twice and she finally told me because she was having IVF. She had it a couple weeks ago and it worked. I'm excited, but it’s a big secret. She isn't getting her hopes up until she is past the three to four month mark.

I feel awful that my best friend/twin sister went through all of this for years without telling me. She said she wanted it to be a surprise when she could announce it, but honestly I'm very hurt that she didn't come to me. Am I selfish for feeling this way? I want to jump up and down because now she is pregnant, but I am now aware of the complications that she has had, and I don't even know if I should say congratulations, or what to say. What if she loses the baby again? I feel like I don't know my place in the situation. I don't have kids, and don't plan to either, but I did offer to carry for her if she wanted. She was thankful, but didn't think she could handle that, and will adopt if this doesn't work. I've never felt so confused. I'm so happy my sister is pregnant, but so scared at the same time. I have a niece and nephew from my brother too, and they are my world. I feel so, so helpless. Any advice would be appreciated.

Helpless Twin Auntie

Dear Helpless Twin Auntie,

Of course you feel confused and upset! Being a twin usually means you have traveled the same road since conception and when that path forks for one in marriage and children, the other twin is left feeling very alone. It is a sad, abandoned, rejected, and betrayed set of emotions with little recourse. Although, I am sure the sensible part of you recognizes that your sister must turn toward her husband and child to foster those new relationships. Particularly, keep in mind how stressful miscarriages and IVF are for a couple. What you can do is enrich your own life in a new way and hopefully await a re-connection with your twin sister.

What to say to your sister? Nothing, until she tells you if she is pregnant. At that point just listen and reflect back her emotions. She might be nervous, elated, relieved or any number of other feelings. You are a supporting actor in this drama, not the main character.

You have my sympathy and support,
Natalie Robinson Garfield

Homepage Photo: guruxox 
Published: June 26, 2011

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